Loneliness is a big problem.
We are now more connected than ever, and yet feel more disconnected than ever. Instead of connecting us more, social media seems to have ruined the art of face-to-face connections.
The author, Val Walker, decided to write this book because she couldn't find a book to cure her loneliness and she felt that many of the other self-help books that she read didn't benefit her. Her story was that after her surgery in 2012, she had no one to ask for help to bring her back home and she lost touch with her best friend for a long period of them. Those books promoted self-improvement, but they overlooked the fact that loneliness often occurs due to reasons that are not our fault and, by far and large, beyond our control. In fact, they had the opposite effect on the author; she felt shamed even more and failed to accept herself. What she needed, in contrast, was a self-acceptance book.
On top of that, there are a lot of limiting beliefs that can deter one from getting help from their loneliness, such as the fear that people will perceive them as needy, the shame associated with it and the belief that asking for help is a weakness, to name a few.
Social media could also be a force for loneliness because they are a distraction from face-to-face communication and a platform for us to compare ourselves to others in an unconstructive way.
Another point worth noting is the point that support lines can be a good start if we really have no one to talk to. Hotlines are often used when someone is in crisis, but warmlines are used when someone just needs someone to talk to. Moreover, having connections that matter don't necessarily need to appear a certain way (such as the example that they need not have very deep conversations), but the thing that's important is how the connection made you feel. If it made you feel less lonely, hopeful and that you mattered, it's one worth continuing. On the other hand, it's not worth continuing if you're not appreciated or end up feeling drained.
Self-advocacy is different from asking for help because it invites others to join us in a mission to help. We can do so by describing our challenges, sharing what works and doesn't work for us, and inviting the listener to help in a certain way. It focuses more on our goals and how we want to achieve them rather than our needs.
There are many creative ways to meet new people, but building a close friendship is something that really takes time, so it is worth noting that others might be slowly breaking out of their shells and hence assure them we won't demand too much from them.
Subsequently, the author shared fifteen stories of people who worked to reduce social isolation or struggled with social isolation.
Some of the points worth noting were that isolation could happen due to various reasons, and not having anyone to share our success with can be as lonely as not having anyone to turn to when we're ill. Moreover, loneliness is not a symbol of shame or indication that there's something wrong with you. It can happen to anyone.
Thankfully, there were also tips for others to get out of their situation. One ingredient needed for rebuilding community is patience; with the digital age meaning things are much faster than before, we are less patient. However, building strong friendships is something that is truly an art and can take a few years; it certainly isn't an overnight process. On top of that, another ingredient is self-advocacy; for all you know, it may help someone else going through something similar and prove to be a voice for someone. Finally, the eagerness to find a group that shares similar interests or values to us is important because when we do so, we connect with like-minded people. There are many options out there, but volunteering has been given a special mention because it gives one a sense of purpose to help a certain cause and meet like-minded people who share similar values and interests.
One of the people mentioned, Claus Adam Jarlov, underlined the importance of creating a safe space for others to speak about their issues and be vulnerable. He worked as a mentor for both school children and working adults - and learnt that many people with seemingly successful careers have a lot of admirers but no one to turn to when trouble strikes.
Other ways to strike connection with others are to show interest in them or giving them a small but genuine compliment, as well as journalling to articulate our thoughts. Moreover, it is worth noting that we will need to take a number of "no"s to get a "yes" that is the community for us, so it is important not to give up and take things less personally because not all people are invested in building their support network. A lot of effort is needed. Being proactive and willing to initiate is also another key element that is needed.
Going back to Val Walker's story, she had another surgery in 2019 but a few trusted people to count on, such as her good friend Rita. They reminisce the days when she had hardly anyone to count on and then, from there, building her community and support network truly paid off and made the aftermath of her surgery in 2019 so much less lonely than that in 2012.
At the end of the day, it's worth noting that we are all interdependent as humans and that while loneliness can take a toll on us and trigger self-critical thoughts, there is hope and a way to build our support community. Some of us have it easier due to our families, but at the end of the day, it's not so much about the cards you've been dealt, but how you make the best out of the cards you have.
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