Ho ho ho, season's greetings!
Amidst the festive season with lots of fun, laughter, parties and good atmosphere, it's also important that we reflect on what we have gained in the past year and how we can do better for the next one.
It's been a long year, and now is the time that things reach full cycle.
For the past few months, I have been counting down the number of weeks left till the year ends, and now, a new year (and a new decade too) is finally here.
I expected a pretty uneventful and monotonous year, but the one that I got was in fact very far from it and there were a lot of lessons I learnt. Some of them may overlap with the previous blog posts, but they're valuable lessons anyway, so here goes.
THE BIG TAKEAWAYS
The people you surround yourself with is the make it or break it factor
Earlier in the year, I was a pretty lonely soul and I never really felt satisfied with my friendships. I tried to renew a few old friendships and spent a large portion of my free time hanging out, but something was still missing. I felt really empty and lost, and as though I wasn’t spending my free time fruitfully. Seeing my friends having so much fun on social media on Friday or Saturday nights would overwhelm me with envy and make me feel like I had nothing in my life.
Looking back at my article on loneliness, I mentioned that if an emotional connection is missing, one can feel lonely even in a friendship or when surrounded by many people. In fact, I felt tempted to rush into a relationship or schedule tons of meet-ups during my free time. Many of the things I wanted to with my friends were to fill a void in my life.
Thankfully, I managed to snap out of that state of mind and take necessary actions. I distanced myself from those whom I couldn’t really connect with and build better friendships with others whom I managed to foster an emotional connection with, and things worked out pretty well.
I managed to get to know a few friends better and discovered a few whom I can really trust to share my problems with without the fear of being judged or perceived in a certain way. In the process, I felt more comfortable and at home with those people and started to worry less about what they’d think about me. It has finally made me feel a spark in my heart that has been missing for a long time, and I’m sure that my friendships with these people will continue for a long time, maybe even for life. I finally managed to identify a few friends that I really want to invest a lot of time and effort, as it means that I will be growing together with them and lifting each other up.
I finally decided to abandon my goal of becoming an extrovert and social butterfly and shift my focus from that to building friendships with the people who matter the most. In fact, what matters most is not so much about how frequently you hang out or have fun or how many friends you have, but whether the people around you stay by you, not just when it's sunny, but when it rains too.
I recently watched a video about a lady who suddenly developed a condition that caused her to become visually-impaired, but her husband never gave up on her and tried to help her go about her daily life as much as possible, even though she wanted to do as much as she could. He even secretly followed her on the bus to work every morning just to make sure she was fine.
When times are bad, it’s easy to just walk out of the door and act as though nothing happened, but I appreciate all the friends who have stood by me, listened to me rant or talk about my troubles, and made time for me instead of excuses. In the case I just mentioned, it would be so much easier if the wife’s husband just didn’t care, but instead he went the extra mile and did so much more to make sure she was fine. That is what it means to love a person (it need not necessarily be a partner, it can also be a family member, friend or even a stranger) - to go out of your convenience and make time and effort for them.
To end off, here’s a quote from Robin Williams: “I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone.” This has been the first of many steps in creating meaningful connections and wholesome friendships, and there will surely be more to come in the following years.
Me-time is very important; we sometimes need to disconnect to connect. Being around people all the time can be tiring
I thought I'd be able to handle a lot on my plate, but I ended up feeling burnt out and pretty tired on a few occasions such that I felt the need to rest at home and to stop planning to arrange so many meetups with friends.
I felt that piling myself with a lot of activities would be the way to find fulfillment in life. While there were a few months when I felt like I really enjoyed what I did, I felt as though I had barely any time for myself and started freaking out over having to squeeze in so many things for my schedule. The most notable time came in June, when I signed up to facilitate a camp at my Buddhist society for the primary school batch, prepare for a competition and tutor my JC juniors. In fact, having time to myself on weekends was already considered a luxury. I enjoyed what I did, but felt really drained at the end of it.
There were a few occasions when I planned to meet up with friends, but had to cancel them because I felt too burnt out and like I had no energy to meet those friends.
As such, I realised that sometimes we need to care for ourselves and give ourselves time to rest and not do anything. It can be tiring to schedule countless meetups, and sometimes me-time is important for us to connect better with others in the long-run. My schedule had quite a number of things in the second half of the year and as such I didn't really see the need to schedule too many meetups, and was satisfied with just a few. Packing one's schedule isn't good in the long run, and will result in one feeling drained and burnt out.
At the end of the day, it's important to balance time spent with others and me-time. Of course, doing things I enjoy is what gives us meaning and that's ultimately what keeps me going in life, but at the same time, we need to spend time with ourselves, both to rest and make sure we're not burnt out, and to reflect on our life experiences and how to improve as a person. Spending my Friday nights resting at home by myself is a really enjoyable feeling.
When I messaged one of my friends a few months ago on wanting to spend time with the right people, he gave me a timely reminder that "right people" includes ourselves too, and that it's important to be okay to be alone. Sometimes, if we spend too much time around others, we will feel like we don't have enough for our own relaxation, and this could negatively affect our relationships with others due to burnout.
As bad as a situation sounds, there is definitely something good in it and ways to make it better
Ever since watching Ah Boys to Men in 2013, I dreaded the day I had to do my National Service. It gave me the impression that military life was something to be dreaded, and that the two years I'd have in there would be long, monotonous and scary.
This year, it was my turn to surrender my pink IC on the fourth of January. To cut a long story short, things didn’t exactly turn out the way I expected and I don’t really enjoy my job. There were (and still are) many times that I feel unfulfilled and drained.
Thankfully, it isn’t all doom and gloom. I have managed to find fulfillment in doing activities during my free time and these two years can be considered a break from the hectic studying and working life I’ll be experiencing in most of my other years. In fact, even though mugging for A Levels feels like such a distant memory, it’s impossible to forget how many things I had to pack into my daily routines and how just finding time to go out with friends was so difficult.
I remember a few months into NS, I started freaking out and worried about collecting my pink IC with a whole lot of regrets about wasting my two years, and the only light I could see was the fact that I need not worry so much about studies.
Thankfully, I can safely say that I haven’t wasted my first year and done a lot of interesting activities - joining a toastmasters club, learning how to drive (I haven’t got my licence yet, just saying!), learning to play the guitar, playing a more active role in my Buddhist society and of course, starting this blog!
And I am halfway through my journey! 12 more months and my pink IC will be back in my wallet again! But more importantly, I'm sure that my second year will be one that I won't be wasting.
These things have really given me a sense of purpose in life and something to enjoy, and taught me that I am a capable person, even though there are times that I doubt myself. More importantly, they helped me shift my focus from counting the days to making the days count. This brings me to my next lesson learnt...
...genuine success never comes easy, and there is no such thing as “shortcuts” or “easy ways out”
Rome was not built in one day. Likewise, to become really competent at a certain skill or doing something really takes a lot of time and effort.
I haven't been satisfied with my skills levels, and I felt like a "mugger" who knew nothing else in my school days. I'm also not a very hands-on person, and am generally not very good at practical skills.
Everyone just wants to overcome all their weaknesses with the snap of a finger, but that clearly is not realistic. Mastering a skill or overcoming one's weaknesses requires a lot of effort, consistency and commitment. We're all not perfect.
As such, it takes a lot of effort to develop ourselves, and we may even take steps back at times, but it's so much more satisfying when you achieve something through your own sheer hard work and effort, and not by "magic" or an instant cure.
Thomas Edison famously said, "Many of life's failures are people who did not realise how close they were to success when they gave up." In fact, the problem is that we get disheartened too easily and sometimes feel tempted to throw in the towel or give in to instant gratification, but there will be an even worse trade-off in the long-run, and it may undo all the hard work and effort you invested for the past few months. It seems simple in theory, but the reality is that it's so much easier said than done.
Sometimes, when I go for jogs, I force myself to keep on jogging until I reach the distance I wanted to run for that day. There isn't a single jog when I don't feel like stopping and giving up, but the very thought that I finished the jog and didn't give up halfway after finishing my desired distance gives me satisfaction.
I also started playing the guitar this year, and still have a bit of trouble transitioning between chords and multitasking - I need to do it when I sing and strum at the same time, sometimes even trying to push myself and use a harder strumming pattern.
However, I tell myself to focus on the current songs instead of shifting to new ones and to keep practising so that I get better and will eventually be able to play them well. I'm not really aiming to perform on stage at the moment, but it could be a possible long-term goal, and if I'm unable to master the basics, how will I possibly be able to reach my subsequent goals, maybe even playing a simple song from start to finish? Quality over quantity indeed.
Perfection is but a theory. No matter how good a situation may seem, there will be flaws, so we must not assume that life will be as rosy as it seems
Fame, success and money are no solution to being rid of suffering and dissatisfaction. Many celebrities and pop stars still struggle with problems such as eating or mental disorders
.
One notable example is Chris Evans, the actor playing the role of Captain America. As much as superheroes are held in high regard, Evans admitted that he struggles with anxiety and depression, and he turned down the role to be Captain America numerous times. He was, contrary to what many would think, afraid of being in the limelight and losing his anonymity, and said that he had to pretend that he cares about stupid questions, which in turn made him feel insecure. He also had a habit of turning casual conversations into self-doubt.
Personally, even though my situation isn't exactly the same as Evans, I find some of the problems he faced relatable. I don't like to talk very much about certain aspects of my life, and when people bring up certain topics, I can feel very uncomfortable and sometimes, I find it very hard to tell the truth about it and have a habit of making fleeting statements, even trying to cover certain details at times. I also have a habit of overthinking and worrying a lot about what others think of me, even though most of the time, the things I worry about are not really true.
In an everyday context, if someone manages to land their dream job, they will still be discontented with something. For example, freelancers are generally doing a job they love, but they have to keep finding clients, have a lot of self-discipline to manage their time well and may get paid late and not the most. That being said, it doesn't mean that one shouldn't strive to reach their dream job; just that things still won't be perfect when it happens.
Superheroes are humans too, and sometimes the biggest superheroes are the ones who overcome the toughest obstacles. Evans isn't just a superhero in the form of Captain America, but he is also one in overcoming challenges.
OTHER NEW INSIGHTS
Gratitude and kindness are powerful magnets; they have the power to make you happy
There were a few occasions when I spoke to strangers, maybe a salesman or someone at a shop, and it was really nice. We’d joke, make some small talk and just have a nice and small conversation.
It's really heartwarming when we are nice and friendly to others, and from most people, it will cause them to be nice in return. In fact, I noticed that I was naturally friendlier with people who behaved warmer towards me, as compared to those who were more cold or brusque. I didn't exactly get nasty to them, but I wouldn't really be as friendly as I'd usually be.
As such, I tried to be friendly to others and it made me feel better and more at ease.
What we see on social media isn’t what happens in real life
Social media can be a big, big lie.
Many people just post the best side of their lives on social media while sweeping the worst under the carpet.
The idea on which social media is built on is very superficial because it promotes the idea that likes and followers are everything, when in actual fact, they don't mean anything in real life. People end up seeking likes as validation, but that is never going to replace you validating yourself.
Most of the time, there is this reverse mechanism where the more dissatisfied one is in life, the happier his or her posts seem. That is because he or she has the urge to seek validation from others through likes and followers, and hence want to show them that they're "having a good time". On the other hand, people who are truly satisfied tend to post less because they can validate themselves and do not need the likes and comments, and their minds are less likely to be fixated on social media as well.
As such, social media shouldn't be about getting the most likes or followers. Instead, one should be more discerning when using it because what they see isn't what goes on in real life.
In fact, some people have deleted social media for various reasons. Some said that social media is too much of a distraction from real life, while others said that it forces us to compare our lives to others and equate it to a snapshot where our worth is measured in likes.
It’s very tempting to use social media because it causes us to not have the fear of missing out (FOMO) and receiving likes and getting followers feeds our need for instant gratification, but more often than not, we end up feeling crappy and dissatisfied when we see someone who has more likes or happier posts, when these are just misconceptions because one’s worth and happiness isn’t measured through such things.
We need not delete social media, but we just need to be more discerning when using it and remember that it isn’t what goes on in real life. Instagram has recently removed the function where you can see how many likes other users’ posts have, and that has helped me compare less and feel more secure about my social media accounts. In fact, I’m really glad I deleted Snapchat, which was initially meant so I wouldn’t be distracted when studying for A Levels, but turned out to be a permanent decision, because I was disheartened by how “short” or “few” my streaks are, and it removed another unnecessary source of dissatisfaction and frustration.
At the end of the day, it’s all about self-love and self-acceptance
I often think of this in this domain: if you can’t take care of yourself, how can you take care of others?
I’ve had a huge struggle with self-love and self-acceptance. For a long time, I thought that loving myself meant just saying so, but it’s so much more than that. It’s about accepting yourself the way you are and seeing the greatness in you, rather than thinking so much over the flaws.
I’ve been too preoccupied with a lot of flaws in myself, be it the way I speak, look or dress. However, I realised that no one’s perfect this year, and that sometimes, to realise the beauty with us, we need to fall in love with the way we are, and then we'll naturally be satisfied with everything else. If you're happy on the inside, you'll naturally be happy on the outside, regardless of how you look, dress or appear. In fact, Mandy Hale said "Outer beauty captures the EYE. Inner beauty pleases the HEART."
Of course, it seems simple in theory, but when we actually do it, it's easier said than done, but when we improve our self-worth, we'll naturally feel good about ourselves and become a light to others, and then both parties will start lifting each other, and it's without a doubt a win-win situation.
One person who clearly lives by this value is Nisha Lobo, a girl who suffers from a rare skin disorder and was abandoned by her biological parents at two weeks old. She was adopted and showered with love within her adopted family and foster parents, but faced a lot of harsh treatment - being spat at once and a man refusing to board a flight because of her. However, she refused to be upset and insisted that her condition doesn't define who she is; rather, she insists that being a good person is more important than anything else.
I've always struggled to accept certain aspects of my past, and never felt like I was good enough in certain aspects. There was a time in my life, about three years ago, that I felt like I'd never get anywhere in life, as a result of being judged and avoided by a lot of my schoolmates. My self-confidence plummeted and I felt like an alien and misfit.
In the process of doubting myself, I started to feel dissatisfied with the way I look and dress and felt that didn't dress well, causing me to buy a lot of new clothes at one point in time a few years back. I also wanted to style my hair in a way that was seen as "hipster" or "trendy".
Thankfully, I've made progress. I've started to stop downplaying others' praise of me, which I used to do every single time, but now I try to be gracious and thank them instead. I also opened up to a few friends and discovered a few people whom I can safely say I want to keep for life.
If we like ourselves, we'll naturally like the way we look and dress. The key isn't to buy more clothes, but it's to appreciate yourself the way you are. Buying more clothes merely amplifies what's already there and traps you in a vicious cycle - you feel discontented with your clothes, and hence buy new ones. You like them initially but after a while, you realise you don't really like them and hence buy some more. And it never ends.
When we are down, we need a listening ear more than anything else
Being a good listener is difficult because everyone has the urge to say what he or she wants to say.
Many a time, we feel that we're being more helpful if we give the person practical advice when they're in distress as compared to just listening to them because we want to get them out of their distress.
Unfortunately, as well-intentioned that may seem, it isn't the thing that the person undergoing distress usually needs. Instead, he or she prefers a more emotion-based response, where the person's emotions are validated and he or she feels like he or she is given the space to talk about their issues. Not allowing them to speak their minds makes them feel like you are dismissing their emotions and pressurising them to put on a happy front for your sake, when sometimes, all they need is some time to get over the negative emotions.
There were a few instances when I confided in a friend, and her responses were top-notch. Once, I was really upset about being personally attacked by someone and couldn't stop ranting. It was frustrating how a few others were telling me not to use strong language or to calm down, but she gave me the space to rant and told me it was good to let out all my emotions, and refused to comment because she didn't want to anger me further. She saw me through the process and praised me for things I did right.
Another time came when I was really worried about the upcoming checkup with an orthopaedic because I had fractured my wrist and I was afraid of having to miss my upcoming trip because of that. If others told me things like "don't think so much", it would come off as dismissive and as though my emotions were not valued. However, she told me that she understood that it was normal to feel the way I felt even though there wasn't really much I could do (she said that if she was in my shoes, she'd be freaking out too), and said that it'd be sad if I'd have to miss the trip, but worse if I aggravated my existing injury.
In the past two instances, I felt better because my emotions were acknowledged and validated, and I was given the space to speak my mind. That is something I am very thankful for, and I aspire to become a better listener for my friends. The value of listening is indeed underrated.
CONCLUSION
2019 has been a year where I've managed to finally gain some wisdom after being on autopilot and study mode for the past few years. I have indeed spent my first year in NS fruitfully and I'm thankful for all the knowledge I've gained this year.
I'm sure 2020 will be an even greater year, and there's so much more I'll learn then, and so many awesome people who will come into my life. Of course, there will be tough times, downs and tears shed, but it's overcoming all the setbacks faced that makes life worth living. Looking back, even though I didn't realise it, I think I've grown a lot in 2019.
With that, Happy New Year! May 2020 be a great year that sparks off meaning, fulfillment, purpose and happiness in you!
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