Have you ever wished that you were the missing piece to a puzzle and when you were put in, you would fit in perfectly?
It's very normal for us to want to be loved, accepted and valued by others. We all want a community, group or clique where we well and truly feel at home.
Puzzles are made up of many pieces and usually, the pieces are of approximately equal sizes. Just like puzzle pieces, as humans, we wish we could fit into cliques or groups of people so seamlessly and perfectly such that we are the missing puzzle piece.
However, when we join a clique, we need to ask ourselves if we are keeping the shape of our own puzzle piece, or changing the shape of our own puzzle piece so that we can nicely fit into the puzzle.
This is where the problem comes in. Humans aren't as identical as puzzle pieces, and there aren't any two humans who are 100 percent the same. Even identical twins don't have the same fingerprints, not to mention that being identical twins does not necessarily guarantee the same personalities and traits. As such, humans can't be like puzzle pieces that are of equal size, shape and nature (other than the picture on each puzzle piece, of course).
We often perceive "fitting in" as changing a certain aspect of who we are, be it the way we talk, dress or the things we believe in, so that we can be accepted by others. If we change the shape of our puzzle piece to suit the puzzle, we may be able to fit into the puzzle nicely, but wouldn't we feel that we are missing some part of ourselves? We may feel like we can physically be around others more, but are our minds with them or sound about the way we are?
We want to be accepted and included, but to do so, we have to conform to the social norms of the group, or in some cases, feel like we are expected to follow the trends and do what is mainstream and fashionable. A large portion of this is due to our fears of rejection - that the group has this mindset that if you aren't like this, you're not one of us. On top of that, we feel the need to appear a certain way because we're afraid of what others think of us and that if we don't appear a certain way, they may reject us. For example, people who don't drink alcohol may feel the need to drink it when they go to the bar with their colleagues.
A large portion of why we do such things is due to the peer pressure from being in a clique, group or society. Some groups may say to a newcomer, "hey, if you want to join us, you have to be like this".
Even if the group is more accepting towards others, people still feel the need to conform to the social norms of the group because they want to feel accepted and that they are part of it. This could be due to the fact that research has shown that at least 30 percent of a group has to consist of non-conformists before the label towards the non-conformists as weird, freaks or unfashionable is abandoned. It's like how most jigsaw puzzles function - the pieces have to be identical in size and shape in order to fit.
Sometimes, we also do it because we want to avoid being discriminated against or excluded for our background. People may be ashamed for certain things about themselves and hence go to great lengths to hide them. Such things could be their family background, ethnicity or even a disability a person may have. This could be particularly true for people with hidden disabilities - those that are not so visible to others, such as depression, ADHD or diabetes. People hid them for reasons such as fear of being bullied or hurting their relationships with their colleagues, or being perceived as less capable by their superiors, which could halt their career progress.
In fact, a survey done by Deloitte Consulting revealed that 61 percent of people do not reveal their true selves. To be more specific, some people admitted to wearing clothes they didn't genuinely want to wear just so that they would appear in a certain way - some women reported dressing in a more masculine way because they felt that doing so would make their colleagues take them more seriously, and lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) employees feared dressing in a way that seemed “overly gay” and hence resorted to dressing overly-conservatively.
Likewise, 37 percent said that they didn’t stand up for their own beliefs - such as gender equality or inclusion of people with disabilities - simply because they were unpopular views in the office. Even more worrying is the fact that 18 percent minimised their connection with their group out of fear that the stigma of being in those groups could harm them.
Another everyday example would be if we see many people wearing a trendy T-shirt, we feel tempted to buy it for ourselves. However, after wearing it a few times, we realise that we don't really like it that much and feel that we shouldn't have spent our money on it.
What happens when everyone alters the shape of their own puzzle piece and makes it look like the masses?
Life just gets boring and monotonous because everyone becomes the same. Can you imagine a world where everyone wore the same clothes, spoke in the same way, ate the same food, donned the same makeup and had the same values or beliefs? There would be no variety or difference and it would be quite scary.
From my personal experience, I have been creating pressure for myself to fit in because I worry a lot about how others will perceive me and to hide some of my weaknesses. Seeing others doing things that are quite common - such as messaging each other funny memes or videos - makes me wonder if I should do the same or if I'm not doing enough as a friend. I also wanted to look like a cool and popular dude at one point who had cool friends, but putting on a front made me feel I was losing a part of myself.
I also worried about the way I dressed - if I was too sloppy or unfashionable in terms of the way I dressed. As such, there was once I bought a lot of clothes that I felt was fashionable and would make me look cool and smart, but I never felt like I had enough nice clothes, and at the same time, I wondered if others would think I'd changed too much. There were also a few occasions I bought a trendy T-shirt and a few weeks later realised I didn't really like it and felt like I'd wasted my money.
Covering is so tiring and frustrating, and when you lie about one aspect of your life, you have to tell a whole lot of other lies to cover up other lies. It could also hurt your relationships with your colleagues and friends. For example, many LGBT people go to great lengths not to be seen with their partners in front of their colleagues, so it means that they cannot invite them to their house or reciprocate house invitations to their house.
The important thing when dealing with this is to make sure we try to improve on our weaknesses, but we should try not to be too ashamed about them because no one's perfect. Everyone has their weaknesses, just that they vary from person to person. Maybe instead of striving to be perfect and covering every single flaw we have, why don't we try to improve ourselves as individuals? After all, others will appreciate and recognise such effort.
Opening up could also be beneficial and take the pressure off us to hide our flaws or weaknesses. In fact, people with disabilities are likely to be twice as happy if they are more open about their disabilities with others as compared to if they do not share it with anyone. Specifically, they will feel more content at work and less anxious or isolated.
It's also important for us to associate more with people who accept us for who we truly are and less with those who accept us for a different version of ourselves. Being around people who genuinely accept us will make life less tiring and make us feel less insecure or worried about our flaws.
We're like rose bushes; they always have thorns just like we all have flaws. However, the rose bushes have the flowers that bloom as well - likewise, we have our strengths that allow us to shine the way we are.
As such, we shouldn't strive to be like puzzle pieces or give in to peer pressure easily. Of course, some peer pressure could be constructed - such as the pressure to study hard from your friends so as to do well for exams. However, we mustn't always give in to the fear of missing out, or FOMO for short, especially when the item you want to buy or activity you want to engage in is solely for the sake of going with the flow, and not because we genuinely like it. Of course, everyone will be out to rush to buy clothes during the Christmas season sale or post Valentine's Day pictures when the time comes, but we must remember that we don't have to jump on the bandwagon if we feel that what everyone is doing doesn't suit us.
Colbie Caillat's music video of her song "Try" (with the lyrics of course) conveys an important message in line with the points above. The song lyrics initially revolve around women who go to great lengths to achieve a "beautiful" image - based on society's definition of beauty - as portrayed by the women in the video donning makeup, keeping slim and curling their hair.
The song soon takes a twist with the chorus going as such:
"You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing."
In the second verse, another sudden twist in the concept of beauty is reflected when the song goes like this:
"Wait a second,
Why should you care, what they think of you
When you're all alone, by yourself
Do you like you? Do you like you?"
At the same time, in the video, the women gradually remove their makeup, and one of them notably removes a wig to reveal her bald head, with some of them shedding tears at the same time.
The main message for the women from the song is not that they shouldn't don make-up, but they shouldn't do so merely because of the pressure from society to fulfil the societal definition of "beauty". In fact, Colbie Caillat also shared that as much as she loves putting on make-up, she relishes the days when she doesn't need to because she can embrace her true self.
Even though the song and video mainly touches on the concept of women being pressured to conform to social norms and the concept of "beauty", the same principles can be applied to our lives. We don't have to give in to pressure from others or society in general to appear or behave in a certain way, and if we do things solely because of such pressure, we will only be doing ourselves a huge disservice. In fact, rather than seeing beauty as what others perceive, we must remember that the puzzle piece mindset of humans is flawed because we are all unique and special, and there is beauty in that itself.
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