Context
There are so many things that we’re told in the world - direct or indirect, useful or not useful, subtle or obvious. Things like ads on Korean plastic surgery scream in our face trying to tell us our appearance is never enough, or even posts on social media that say “7 years of bad luck if you don’t repost this…”
I’ve also been very confused and overwhelmed by people and their opinions, or maybe even society’s or the media’s opinions. Sometimes I wonder, if we all study, get a job, retire and then die, is that all there is to life? Is it really so bleak and meaningless?
So here goes a letter to myself at the times I’ve been confused or to anyone feeling lost in life. Even though I call this a letter to my past self, it may be relevant for my future self too.
The Letter
Dear Me,
Time is going so fast. It feels like the first five months of 2023 have flown by. It feels too fast, too furious.
Sometimes you may look back and wonder, “Where have the past ten years gone?” Ten years ago - a time you made some crucial life-changing decisions, which had you not made, your life could and would probably have turned out very differently.
I won’t lie or sugarcoat, I still struggle quite a lot with this. I feel very confused about a lot of things in life because there’s so many expectations of people. You may think that you may want to be obedient as a student but only out of fear of being scolded. This is something I regret and wish I could change. It’s only going to a place where I have less fear of being scolded or getting into trouble where I feel more genuinely liberated and that I can be myself. Sometimes, I even wish I could turn back the clock to the day I was born and do things differently.
Unfortunately that’s not possible, but there’s still good news. You can still start making decisions in life that suit your needs.
One quote I remember being told many years ago is that winners never quit. It took me many years to realise that this quote has its flaws too - sometimes, quitting is necessary. Grit aside, I’m gonna zoom in to times when it’s necessary to quit. It is necessary to quit when you’re burnt out and the environment is damaging and toxic to your health, and when something just doesn’t resonate with your personal values.
Quitting doesn’t make you weak or anything; in fact, it may help you realise what you want better.
But you may now ask, what if people tell me otherwise?
My answer to that is that you need to see what resonates with you and speaks to you. Don’t just blindly follow what others say, but use your discretion and think about whether you feel it works or not. If you’re doing things only to impress others or fulfil one of their wishes, chances are you’re compromising your own happiness.
The hard truth is that life is short. This may sound very dark, but what will be our thoughts in our final moments? Will they be thoughts of joy that we did the things we enjoyed and gave us meaning and light in life, or will they be thoughts of regret, despair and helplessness that we didn’t live a life that we truly wanted, that we didn’t listen to our heart, that we only did things because others wanted us to, and yet feel despair that we have barely any time left to live and can hardly do anything about it.
So in short, my answer is to truly listen to your heart and trust your gut. Ask yourself if you truly want to do it or if you’re just trying to make others happy. Of course, I’m not advocating putting your life in danger or doing stupid things, but the past few years showed me how people-pleasing at the expense of my own happiness can be really damaging.
Now, you may wonder about how to deal with the guilt. I still haven’t found an answer to it, but what I believe is that some people’s opinions do matter to us, but at the same time it may not be what we really want for ourselves. So it’s important to allow the guilt to be there but also to see things objectively. To tell yourself that things are not what you want. In fact, I think discovering what you want is really important first so that you know. If something isn’t what you want, it’s fine, just don’t do it again and avoid it.
Let me also remind you that life is not black and white. In some cases, finding a middle ground could work. Let’s take a simple example of someone wanting to play a game that you really dislike, perhaps it could help to find a game both of you like or to play one game for a while and to another. But there’s really no right or wrong and it’s your choice. This may sound simplistic, but life’s scenarios are often a lot more complex and profound. So take your time to work through it and find out what works for you.
At the end of the day, to each their own. Each person can find what works for them, instead of just following what others do. I used to think I just had to conform and going through school, getting a job, starting a family and then retiring was a rite of passage. But now, I know I don’t need to buy every narrative I’ve been taught. Some things just don’t work for me, but may work for others, and that’s fine.
So, if you ask me, go and find out what works for you and what doesn’t. After all, that’s part of the journey of life. Try new things, explore new places and activities, and get a taste of what life has to offer. But most importantly, be honest with yourself about how you feel and ask yourself if you truly like something after you’ve put aside others’ opinions. Your gut feeling is a lot more powerful than you think; it’s sending messages to you. I don’t know the entire logic or science behind it, but it’s a message your subconscious mind sends.
If you’re feeling confused now and lost on what to do or what works for you, I want to assure you it’s normal to feel this way. You’re not broken; you just need something that resonates with you. After all, as humans, we’re all searching for meaning in life. Find things out for yourself and that will give you fulfilment.
Lastly, don’t be afraid of walking a different path from others. We’re all walking different journeys, so it’s okay to be different.
I hope you have a meaningful journey of discovery and find what strikes a chord in you.
Cheers,
Me
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