The Context
Two years ago, the period around my birthday was one I remembered, but for the wrong reasons. It was a disappointing time and one when I slumped back into a state of dejection and loneliness that lasted about a month.
Looking back, when I realised what the situation really was, I decided to write this, not just to my past self, but to anyone out there who may be struggling.
The Letter
Dear Me,
Have you heard of the following two sayings?
“Too much of a good thing is a bad thing.”
“There is no perfection in this world; there are downsides to even the greatest things.”
These two are a reminder for you not to fall for toxic positivity.
Firstly, you may ask, what is toxic positivity? It is a one-sided and flawed belief that implies that the only acceptable outlook on life is a positive, optimistic one, which could potentially lead to the suppression, invalidation and minimisation of negative emotions.
I know you are struggling and hurting, and that is okay. Your pain, needs and feelings are all valid, and it is a natural human response to feel dejected if your needs aren’t met. As humans on earth, we all need love and a sense of belonging. I can tell that this is missing from your life, but don’t ignore these feelings of loneliness. The loneliness is telling you something; it might mean that you need more close, intimate relationships, it could mean that you might be surrounded by the wrong people and wrong communities.
You may have come out of a lot of dark places in the past, but you need to remember that you are not flawed and you deserve good things in your life. You may be invalidating yourself and wondering if this is something you don’t need or if you’re wanting too much, but this is proven by Maslow’s hierarchy of needs in the tier of love and belonging.
So, do remember that you need to listen to your heart and ask yourself what you need, and evaluate if the way you spend your time is serving these needs. If it isn’t, it may be better to consider other alternatives.
People may say things like “don’t worry, be happy” or “look on the bright side”, but I read a book called The Upside of Your Dark Side. It shows that you don’t need to avoid discomfort or negative feelings in life. It may even be valuable to listen to them and probe deeper and ask what they are telling you. These emotions could be telling you something and perhaps be a call for you to take some action. For example, anger could be a sign that your boundaries are being violated, so it may be time to set more firm and clear boundaries. Feeling tired is also a sign that you may need to rest, or maybe even do something that sparks light in you. There’s this saying by Alexander den Heijer, “You often feel tired, not because you’ve done too much, but because you’ve done too little of what sparks a light in you.” So it could be a sign to do something that makes you feel recharged and energised.
You may have heard phrases about your social life about needing to be your own friend or love yourself first, but you need to analyse them and see if it really resonates with you. They may not be wrong, but there are two sides to every coin, and the same principle applies to every piece of advice. It isn’t wrong to learn to appreciate yourself better, but at the same time, you need friends and social connection. Once again, Maslow’s hierarchy of needs comes into play.
Another thing I am aware of is that you may have invalidated yourself because of what other people have said. It’s not your fault, but it is important to be discerning and make sure that what they say resonates with you. If you feel it violates your boundaries, forces you to be someone you’re not and doesn’t resonate with you, you are allowed to let it go in one ear and out of the other. It is so important to stay true to your authentic self.
You are not asking for too much. Your needs, wants and feelings are valid. If it hurts you, it hurts you. If you need it, you need it. You deserve to have good friends, authentic connections and people who remember you, who remember important dates in your life and show up both in sunshine and darkness. You are a good and genuine person, and you deserve goodness.
It isn’t wrong to want to be heard, it isn’t wrong to just want a listening ear without unsolicited advice, it isn’t wrong to want to be happy, it isn’t wrong to want to be yourself, it isn’t wrong to want to have people to celebrate and remember your birthday and other significant events, it isn't wrong to want close friendships.
But one key thing to know here is that these things can’t be forced. If the ones you’re hanging around make you feel like you’re inferior or you’re never enough, it may be time to do some “spring-cleaning” and find new ones. It’s okay to do that. You don’t need to do what people say is good for you.
All the best and I hope that you will find the things in your life that will fulfill your needs and bring you long-term happiness.
Cheers,
Me
Sources:
Comments