“I’m the only one facing this.”
How many times has this thought crossed our minds?
This thought is no stranger to me and there was even a period of many years when I felt that I was the only one who went through the struggles I faced. Even these days, at times, I wonder why everyone else seems to have things better figured out than me. A few days before my birthday, I was thinking to myself that I would be commemorating 22 years of a disaster.
However, there are moments that have proven otherwise. Even though our struggles might be unique, these turbulent emotions and self-defeating thoughts are fairly universal. It would be fair to say we’re not human if we don’t have them.
A few weeks ago, I heard LANY’s Malibu Nights playing in a cafe and I went home to listen to the song. When I scrolled through the comments at the bottom of the YouTube video, I saw multiple comments about how it struck a thread in them about the heartbreaks they had faced. There are also many songs that convey such meanings and strike a thread in people, about the pains they have faced, or how it makes them emotional or brings back nostalgia. It is amazing how they open up about the struggles that they faced and the hurt, grief and other challenging emotions they had to endure.
A few days ago, I was playing conversational cards about mental health issues and it was a genuinely amazing and refreshing experience. It made me connect with myself and others who are interested in mental health as well, and I was reminded that I was not the only one who went through such struggles.
Since it’s World Mental Health Day, I thought that it would be nice to share some of the biggest lessons and bits and pieces of wisdom I have gained along the way.
Don’t feel obliged to subscribe yourself to other people’s definition of _____
The blank can be anything. Many people have different ideas of things in life. For example, success could often be associated with having the most friends, making the most money, getting into the best school and other of these things. However, for the ones who fall short, some of them sadly beat themselves up and feel like a failure as a result. Sadly, in terms of coming to terms with my social life, this is something I struggle with quite a fair bit.
Thankfully, not all hope is lost. One of my favourite quotes is by Albert Einstein: “Everybody is a genius, but if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing it is stupid.” A fish may not be the best at climbing trees, but it is certainly a good swimmer. Likewise, even though big groups might not be my thing, I discovered that socialising and interacting with people whom I feel I can form genuine connections with is something I have done well in.
It is okay to have a different definition of success, but it is also important to be realistic and know that failures are inevitable too. However, we can use them well and put these lessons to good use. I feel that it is very important to normalise failure and mistakes as these can serve to be our greatest learning points in future.
Choosing to define success and happiness by my own means has made me feel extremely uplifted and empowered.
Self-care
When I first read the term “self-care”, it sounded so profound to me, but after exploring what it meant to me, it didn’t feel that profound anymore.
I realised that self-care can be doing things that I enjoy and not just doing things based on the routine. After a long day of studying, it is so important to do something I enjoy, perhaps to play a couple of games of Dream League or jam to a nice and peaceful beat over Spotify. I found it unrealistic and detrimental to mug for long hours as it drained me really fast.
Self-care is also about setting boundaries and learning to firmly say no to things that don’t serve you. It’s important to go to where your energy is reciprocated and where you feel refreshed. I learnt that taking a break and cutting out toxic people and communities is so important, and I only want to attract and be at the centre of wholesome vibes where there is no drama or toxic competition.
One quote that really hit home was “you often feel tired, not because you’ve done too much, but because you’ve done too little of what sparks a light in you”. I realised that it was so important to go back to things that gave me good energy and good vibes, instead of just going with the grind or doing what everyone else was doing.
Sometimes, it’s no one’s fault
I used to blame myself for the slightest of things that could have happened, such as when I found it hard to connect with groups of people who were on a completely different wavelength from me. All sorts of criticisms would come out of my head, and many of these words are words that I wouldn’t dare to say to anyone else’s face.
However, after a while, I realised that it wasn’t my fault and some things were just not meant to be. I told myself that it wasn’t my problem and that it was important to go to places where my energy was reciprocated. Sadly, there were some lessons I had to learn the hard way as I stayed in some places and groups where I didn’t belong for too long. However, I told myself that it was better to do what was best for myself late than to never do it at all and to use these learning points and principles to guide my future decisions.
Listen to the difficult emotions - they are a message
This is easier said than done, and I myself have been guilty of sweeping these troubling feelings under the carpet many times. However, they are conveying an important message to us. I realised that it was important to listen to them and see what to do about them.
One typical example could be how loneliness is telling us that we need more connection. It might be a sign that we are mixing too much with people who drain us or that the group we are currently with might not be that beneficial for us. As such, maybe we could take steps to connect with like-minded people. Perhaps anger could also be a sign that our boundaries are being violated, and this might be a sign to set clear boundaries and be more firm about them.
I went through some periods of strong loneliness, and what got me out of them was to acknowledge and examine these emotions instead of dismissing them. It was only after I acknowledged and accepted them that I realised that changes needed to be made, and it led me to taking actionable steps, such as changing the people I associate myself with on a regular basis and taking breaks from the ones who made me feel drained, which is something that was crucial for my long-term well-being.
Suppression is often seen as a sign of strength, but it can prove to be extremely harmful and detrimental in the long run. It isn’t weak to speak about your emotions and say that you’re troubled, and there is no shame in seeking help.
Parting Thoughts
World Mental Health Day happens every 10/10, once every 365 days, but what do we do on the other 364 days? I realised that it is important to take care of our mental health every single day and be selective about where we channel our time and energy to. It isn’t easy to make a conscious effort to take care of ourselves, especially when our schedules are extremely packed, but making time to do that will prove to be beneficial in the long-run.
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