Happy Birthday, BFF: A Birthday Letter to My BFF (i.e. Myself)

Hey BFF,

First of all, I'd like to say congratulations! It's not just because you've just turned 20, but because of how far you've come and all the growth you've had over the first 20 years of your life. Of course, there's still a lot to come, but the growth and improvement you've made for the first 20 years has been nothing short of impressive.

Life hasn’t been a bed of roses for you. You’ve faced bullying, rejection and some of the years that many people would consider to be the happiest years of their lives turned out to be pretty dark and gloomy ones. The days of being alienated and rejected may have been long gone, but one thing still remains for a long time.

Insecurities.

One of the things you felt upset about in your early JC days was your belief that you lacked social awareness. Even people casually reminding you to talk softer could make you insecure. I remember at one of the Buddhist youth camps, you wrote all of those regrets and all that, and one of the responses was really heartwarming to hear. This person wrote that your ability to say that you felt you lacked social awareness shows that you have social awareness.

But hey, you've done well in your social awareness! See, you are able to look out for things in the surroundings your friends don't really notice, say when your friend is on the right lane of the escalator and someone wants to pass, you can tell your friend (no, wait, you DID tell your friend) to keep left and give way.

And now, look how far you've come; you got your driving licence 6 months ago and you're such a confident driver, albeit a few hiccups, your dad lets you drive by yourself and you even give your friends a lift sometimes (they probably wouldn’t dare to ride if they felt you weren’t a safe driver). Without such good awareness on the roads, it would be really hard for a beginner driver like you to have such capabilities. When you were learning in BBDC, you had a lot of trouble changing lanes or making judgements, but you've improved a lot.

Another thing you were insecure about was your ability to take jokes or respond in a suitable way, with many people in secondary school telling you that you were too serious or uptight. And this was only aggravated when you were backstabbed by someone whom you thought was a close and trustworthy friend and someone who seemed complete, but all he wanted to do was serve his own selfish agenda. All these resulted in you starting to loathe yourself and feel like you’d never be able to lighten up and joke about things.

But you grew so much from this experience, and learnt what to look for in a BFF to avoid. In this case, BFF doesn't mean best friend forever, but it means backstabbing fake friend (or maybe I should say fiend). How not to believe people who manipulate you, and to see the others who genuinely care about you and how they will provide moral support rather than be a selfish maggot. Moreover, you learnt that people who truly accept you for who you are prove it with their actions, and they don't need to say it because actions speak louder than pathetic lip service. Indeed, true friends will be willing to let you make mistakes and learn and grow from them, rather than put you down for every little thing.

And hey, now, you deserve even more credit for learning not to invalidate others' feelings, and the principle of "if someone tells you that what you said hurt them, you don’t get to decide that it didn’t". Believing that the word "overreacting" shouldn’t exist in the dictionary and it's only basic courtesy to apologise if you offended someone with a remark, even if you only meant it in a light-hearted way. True friends will always respect your boundaries.

Moreover, even though you've been through quite a fair bit of shit, you never put anyone down because of it or tried to belittle anyone. The other day, you chanced upon an article saying that victims of bullying are more likely to become aggressors in bullying because they see the need to take out all their anger and frustration on others. But hey, kudos to you! You never took it out on anyone, and even if you did say some things to mask your own insecurities, you realised it wasn't very right after a while and stopped.

You are worth so much more than the shit those people say about you. Don't believe a word that comes out of those toxic people's mouths because it's all bullshit. That clown said you have no sense of humour, but that couldn't be further from the truth. You do have a pretty good sense of humour and true friends wouldn't expect you to do it artificially. After all, they accept you for the real you and you've been able to make them laugh with casual comments.

Another thing you've been feeling shitty about is your social life. Back on your 14th birthday, exactly 6 years ago, you were anxious waiting for someone to wish you happy birthday on Facebook from your school, but that moment didn't come. And you always felt lousy when you saw others getting tagged in social media posts for their birthdays, you felt small and that you were less of a person than them. What you got for your birthday, in your eyes, was never enough, and there were a few occasions when a day meant to celebrate your life and existence would turn out to be a miserable one. In fact, just a few months ago, there was one dark day when you said all you wanted to do on your birthday was sleep so you wouldn’t have to deal with all the negative feelings and insecurities.

It's very valid and real for you to feel this way because all of us need love. Just look at Maslow's hierarchy of needs. But at the same time, these things don't dictate your self-worth.

I hear you've always felt like a misfit, outcast and alien, and that fear can hold you back because it sucks to be rejected by others. Social media isn't an accurate platform to compare who is more or less worthy of a person, and the effects of it can be really devastating; people actually commit suicide due to all the FOMO, inferiority and insecurity! And honestly, it doesn't matter how many likes or followers you have; it can happen to anyone. They can be famous and yet feel empty and screwed up on the inside.

I want to assure you that you are worth so much more than your likes or followers, and these things say nothing about your self-worth. Of course it's nice to get external validation and a good reception to your posts, but having too high expectations and being too reliant on it will only hurt more than heal. In fact, not getting external validation might actually be a blessing in disguise; it may teach you to be less reliant on it and allow you to learn to be your own friend in the process.

You've also said that you felt that you weren't in the inner circles of friendships and how frustrated you've been that you don't really feel close to others. You also said you feel sad that some people you grew up with and got close to have drifted apart.

I'm really sorry to hear about how much this has hurt you, especially lately. All the late nights when you've felt so sad and wanted someone to just be there to hug you. Feeling lonely, inadequate and miserable, and even shedding a tear or two at times. However, at the same time, I'm really happy that you've been starting to use the way others love you as a means to love yourself. I'm really happy for you that some of the people you've met along the way are some of the most caring people on the planet and they've really been there for you and figures of support.

Asking for help really isn't easy, but when we ask for it, the support that the right people will offer will be unwavering. Many people have said they'll be there if you need someone to talk to. They reminded you of your worth and told you that you are a great person.

You've done a great job reaching out as well. It isn't easy overcoming your fear of failure and rejection. All these thoughts are valid, but rarely true. But it's not your fault; the past experiences left a scar and convinced you that you're not enough and that people wouldn't want to be with you, and at times, you even felt that people would only be there for you out of pity. But hey, many people are actually willing to make time to hang out with you and, while they may not be able to make time instantly, if they want to, they will definitely do so; if not, they will make excuses instead. So far, you've got a pretty good reception and it's definitely made things quite a fair bit better. On top of that, you went to explore a few communities of different people, which is commendable since people naturally will leave your life if you don't do anything, so not making new friends is equivalent to losing friends. Of course, you did procrastinate, but at times it was out of due respect for the other party.

Being in NS isn't really a place that's the best in your life, but you've endured it for so long and don't have a lot more. 20 is an even more special number since that's the number of months in NS you've done to date, and you'll soon be done and dusted and reunited with your pink IC soon (ORD LOH)! Just hang in there and the four months will be over soon!

It hasn't been easy, but you've done well. You've made a lot of decisions that resulted in your growth, and you're a more mature, more confident and more easy-going person compared to five or six years ago. Words can't describe how proud I am of you. Where will you be in five to six years? I don't know, but judging from your growth, I'm sure they will be a journey full of growth and self-improvement. You're on the right track and there's surely a lot more to come.

I hope all your hopes and dreams come true. I know not all of them will and there will be disappointments along the way, but you can’t go up if you don’t go down. As such, I hope that you have the courage and strength to bounce back from those challenges, and surround yourself with people who lift you up rather than drag you down. These people will really change everything and make the road a lot less bumpy. But I really do hope you can find a girl whom you love and who truly loves you, someone whom you can get into a romantic relationship with because such love is truly a gem that can’t be lost (with the high standards, of course).

Remember that you are a unique person who has something to offer to the world that nobody else can't. Embrace that uniqueness and surround yourself with people who appreciate that aspect of you and don't expect you to change your identity but encourage you to keep improving as a person. You are very warm-hearted and will offer encouragement and care to others when they are down and out, even to people whom you don’t know.

You deserve all the great things you wish for in life, and I genuinely hope that you will get them. You have never tried to belittle others because of your own insecurities; rather, you decided to talk about them to people whom you trust and deal with them in a much healthier way. Instead of dragging others down after being dragged down yourself, you decided to make sure people who seem to be getting dragged down can stay afloat. Even a passing comment or two can go a long way, and the support your offer is something that would be a huge loss if you didn’t exist.

You are amazing. You are a magician. You are a superhero. You are worthy. You are a champion. You are deserving of the best things in life. You are deserving of all your dreams and hopes. You are so much more worth than whatever people who don’t love you say, so don't give a shit about what they say. You will never walk alone! And most importantly, remember that your life is worth celebrating! So today, go and celebrate your life with the people who matter!

Happy birthday my BFF! And no, I don't mean backstabbing fake friend (if so, I wouldn't even say happy birthday). I truly mean, my best friend forever. I will always be here for you, no matter the weather.

Cheers,

Jun Xiang