Toxic Positivity and Gratitude - Why they do more Harm than Good, and What to Focus on Instead

Wong Jun Xiang

Jul 4, 20209 min read

We’ve always been told to look on the bright side of life, and people often tell us to cheer up when we’re moody. Of course, it feels great to be happy, but many a time, when we’re feeling bad - be it just having a bad day or crying uncontrollably - such words have an effect on us that is reverse to the intended effect.

That is what is called toxic positivity - a belief that we should be positive one hundred per cent of the time and push away or brush aside anything that brings about negative emotions. Likewise, toxic gratitude also exists because people want you to be grateful all the time. It is a subset of toxic positivity because people are trying to “force gratitude down your throat”. While gratitude and positivity have their benefits and when people do these things, it’s usually for the best of intentions (which I why I prefer to call them “forced positivity and gratitude” rather than “toxic positivity and gratitude”), the effect that forcing these things down your throat does more harm than good.

Life isn’t perfect and negative emotions are inevitable, hence this makes this notion of toxic positivity and gratitude unrealistic, unrelatable and, at times, very annoying.

Phrases that will sound familiar to us can be “Don’t be sad”, “You shouldn’t feel bad” or “Just be happy”. Likewise, toxic gratitude sounds like “You are very fortunate to have so much” or “Others have so much less than you, so you must be grateful”.

Telling others to be joyful or grateful has the opposite effect and could spark off resentment, as it is a form of emotional invalidation. When dust is swept under the carpet all the time, it accumulates to the point that the floor is really dirty by the time we lift the carpet and there is way too much dust. Likewise, brushing aside negative emotions, or suppressing them in general, causes them to snowball, and by the time they do so, one may not be able to healthily regulate them. In fact, a study by the University of Texas shows that repressing our feelings can result in more aggressive behaviour. It can also have adverse effects on our mental and physical health - such as an increased risk of anxiety, depression, as well physical complications such as heart disease, insomnia, headaches or intestinal problems.

So why do I hate being told to be happy, positive or grateful so much? In fact, it is one of the things I hate the most. That’s because it is repressive and disrespectful towards the current emotional state I am in. In fact, while there's a significant difference in one's intentions between the two scenarios, having someone invalidate my emotions can make me feel as bad as (or even worse) how I'd feel if someone were to deliberately manipulate me.

Being positive all the time is NOT REALISTIC

To zoom in on a few examples, being told "you shouldn't feel jealous, but you should be happy for others" suggests that I am wrong to feel jealous, when I already feel bad for feeling that way for crying out loud! Seriously, do you think saying this will make it better? I'm thinking, "yes, I know for goodness sake, you don't need to tell me that and make me feel worse!"

What could be annoying as well is when people suggest that I should be happy. While "you must be positive", "cheer up" or "look on the bright side" are the usual "culprits", the suggestions could sometimes imply that we are expected to feel better in the future. We've been told things like "this too shall pass" or "you'll be fine", but these two phrases are also ones to avoid. That is because it is dismissive and saying these shows that one is unwilling to focus on the present and there's a more important urge for them to be okay in future. Merely saying this shows that one is unwilling to hear the person's struggle and feels that making the person feel better is more important than being present and letting the person know he or she is there. In short, it's as good as sweeping the problem under the carpet and choosing to focus on the person being okay in the future, when he or she is not okay now.

Why telling others that others are worse off than them or they have a lot to be grateful for is a big mistake

With respect to toxic gratitude, being told to be grateful creates a lot of feelings of resistance within me because it feels forced and unnatural. Gratitude is something that comes from the heart and we must not force it on people by telling them about how much they have or how much better off they are compared to other people. For example, if one is told “stop complaining your job isn’t fulfilling because unemployed people don’t even have an income”, he would naturally feel resistant and even less likely to feel grateful. In school, how many times have you heard a video of someone who had immense struggles in life, such as someone faced with poverty, born without limbs or struggling with a physical or mental disability, and your teachers were quick to say, “They have so many struggles, so why do you still complain? Your struggles are nothing compared to them!”

Comparison in terms of who’s living the best life on social media is harmful. Likewise, comparing two people’s struggles isn’t fair, and I don’t like to say one’s struggles are more significant than another person’s because they have a different set of challenges, and problems aren’t things you can just sweep under the carpet. Just because one person has a “more significant struggle” or “bigger magnitude of challenges”, it doesn’t make another person’s struggle invalid. Take the example of someone who has a reasonably well-paying job and may be compared to people who struggle to make ends meet. He may actually be struggling a lot because even though he can bring food to the table, he may have to work long hours or deal with high demands from bosses.

Telling others they are very fortunate is dismissive and a distraction from the current problem, and telling them they are lucky puts down the value of others’ achievements, which can be very rude and insensitive. If you feel fortunate, you feel it. If you don’t, you don’t. It’s as simple as that.

In fact, it is important to remember that as with all things, just because gratitude helped someone, it doesn’t guarantee it will help others. People with symptoms of depression also tend to feel a sense of guilt for not being able to find something to be thankful for in their lives, and sometimes they are already using all their strength and it requires an immense amount of energy to get through the days, even if we don’t think they are using all their energy. For all you know, imposing gratitude on these people could deepen their wounds and make them feel even more guilty, and this doesn’t just apply to people with symptoms of depression.

Shifting Our Focus

It’s okay not to be okay

One of the most powerful things I’ve learnt is to accept the presence of negative emotions and remember it’s okay not to be okay. I initially didn’t feel it very strongly, but letting things be is so much more effective than trying to deny or repress the negative emotions. We need to give ourselves permission to feel the way we do and realise that in spite of the stigma against negative emotions, there really is no shame in feeling as such. If you need to cry, let yourself cry.

We’re all too familiar with the stigma surrounding negative emotions and told that we have to be strong and happy, or even told that crying is a sign of weakness, with even a toxic masculine stereotype that men don’t cry. Let me tell you the truth: real men cry. Crying actually allows us to release toxins from our body and is healthy. What needs to be done instead of suppressing is to accept the emotions and when we accept and let them be, they will naturally subside. Self-compassion is one way that could work, by being kind to ourselves and allowing ourselves to feel the way we do. One way to do so is to tell ourselves what we’d tell a good friend or family member going through a similar situation, because we tend to be harder on ourselves as compared to with others. In fact, feeling broken is part of having the full life experience; being positive 100 percent of the time is way too perfectionistic.

Knowing that someone care is one of the most comforting feelings in the world

“Negative" emotions aren’t entirely negative; they have benefits too

The other thing we need to do is to see the negative emotions as a compass and turn them into constructive action instead of just ruminating over them. “Negative” emotions, as we know them, aren’t entirely negative and actually allow us to live a full part of the human experience. According to psychologist Todd Kashdan, the relentless pursuit of happiness might actually be sending us in the wrong direction and making us less happy instead. Kashdan also illustrated in his book, The Upside of Your Dark Side: Why Being Your Whole Self - Not Just Your Good Self - Drives Success and Fulfillment (co-authored with Robert Biswas-Diener), the importance of negative emotions and how they can promote beneficial changes in our lives.

They aren't all bad! No mud, no lotus, right?

Guilt is one of the emotions that could actually benefit us because it makes us more sensitive and socially responsible. It allows us to have character - which is about doing the right thing even when no one is looking, and adults who are guilty are less likely to drink and drive, steal, consume illegal drugs or physically assault another person. Self-doubt, in moderation, can also allow us to enhance our performance because if there’s something that we aren’t satisfied with about ourselves, we can take the necessary steps to enhance them. For example, if one doubts his stamina and feels he’s running too slowly, he can take the necessary steps and train himself more often to improve his fitness and eventually get to where he wants - being able to run faster.

The book also reveals that anxiety is key to problem solving and having a member in a group who is anxious in nature can be beneficial in finding solutions or making sure the task gets done. As such, being too positive and optimistic may cause us to overlook the problem at hand and mislead us into thinking that everything is okay. Mindlessness is another unexpected positive emotion because it allows us to come up with creative ideas or have a “Eureka moment” when we least expect it.

Lori Gottileb, who writes The Atlantic’s “Dear Therapist” column, said that negative emotions are like a GPS and we should follow our envy because it tells us what we want. If you’re feeling sad or angry, it might be a signal that something isn’t right. Maybe these emotions are like the GPS telling us that there has been a traffic accident along the route that we want to take and hence would suggest an alternative route to get to our destination. However, we also need to be careful and not use these negative emotions in a destructive way, according to psychologist Guy Winch. Winch stated that it isn’t beneficial if we feel bad for having these emotions, which could trap ourselves in a vicious cycle of “beating ourselves up for beating ourselves up”. Distancing ourselves from the emotion is also key in evaluating them.

Conclusion

Overall, we need to be mindful of the impact of the words we use and choose them wisely because even though we may want to make someone feel better, using the wrong words can have the opposite effect. If invalidation is done in excess or in the long-term, it can result in anxiety, depression or borderline personality disorder. Hence, we must remember the importance of choosing our words carefully and remember that as much as we want to help others, we need to give them permission to feel the way they do and change the way we view negative emotions, and instead of something to avoid, they can be something that is healthy if not experienced in excess and combined with positive emotions.

Appendix: What to say and what not to say

SAY

“I’m here for you.”
“It’s okay to not be okay.”
“This sucks! I’m so sorry that you’re having such a hard time!”
“How can I help you?”
“You are not alone, I’ll get through this with you!”
“It’s not your fault.”
“If you don’t mind, can you tell me more about what you’re feeling? I’m here to listen.”
“Your worth isn’t determined by this negative incident.”
“I want to assure you that you’re not inferior.”
“You’re a great person and I really appreciate (this positive character trait) about you.” (do this only if the trait is genuine and make sure it’s not fake praise just to make the person feel better)
“It’s human nature to feel this way.”