This year has been an interesting one when I got to understand myself better, and one of the concepts that struck me a lot is people pleasing.
People pleasing is the act of making others happy by giving them what they want, often at the expense of one’s own needs or desires. Some of the common people-pleasing behaviours are listed below.
Pretending to agree or blend in with others even when it compromises your beliefs or values. There’s nothing wrong with agreeing with what others have to say if you believe in it, but deliberately doing it is likely to cause you to contravene your principles. For instance, one who doesn’t drink alcohol may feel the urge to drink with his friends who consume alcohol because he is afraid of offending them if he does no, or perhaps one when your friend suggests playing golf, which is something you absolutely hate but you’re afraid that you will upset him when you tell him you’d rather not do that, so you just say yes but absolutely hate every second when you’re playing golf.
You can’t say no. You give in to everything that others ask of you, even when you cannot. One example of this could be agreeing to meet someone even when you have a jam-packed weekend and have barely any time to yourself.
Telling people things they want to hear, even if it means failing to point out some negative feedback. Again, there are two types of criticism of others - constructive and destructive. Destructive criticism should be avoided because it has the aim of hurting others’ feelings, while constructive criticism is one that aims to make others improve. What this might look like could be telling others only nice things but not saying a single critical thing out of fear of offending the other person. Alternatively, it could also be the situation of refusing to tell others when they did something that hurt your feelings.
Apologising for things that aren’t your fault. Maybe you’re afraid of disappointing your friend who wanted to go hiking with you but it rained, so you apologise for the rain even though it’s clearly neither party’s fault.
It is worth noting that people pleasing isn’t always undesirable because part of it is needed to build relationships with others and it is impossible to do so without putting their needs into account. In fact, people pleasing out of sincerity and compassion for others is commendable. However, people pleasing becomes dangerous when we are meeting others’ needs but compromising our own. This is similar to the greenhouse effect and enhanced greenhouse effect, where a moderate amount of greenhouse gases is needed to sustain life on earth but too much creates environmental problems such as global warming.
Moreover, part of the reason why people please others could be due to a lack of awareness. This is particularly applicable to teenagers and children who may not have sufficient self-awareness or self-knowledge. They may not know what their values and principles are, hence it wouldn’t be fair to fully fault them for pleasing others in such a context.
Since we are compromising our needs, why do we please people? Part of it could stem from our fears of undesirable external feelings. Our fear of rejection is one possibility because we are afraid that not giving in to others’ needs will result in them not wanting to be our friends or not accept them for their differences. It is also worth noting that some people may be afraid of loneliness when others reject them for their differences. They may also tie their self-worth to what others think of them, and hence resort to such behaviours in the hope that others will say positive things about them and avoid saying negative things about them because the former will result in them feeling good about themselves while the latter would result in the opposite scenario.
Sadly, being addicted to people-pleasing is a slippery slope that could result in one burning out or feeling more miserable and frustrated. In other words, such people often bite off more than they can chew. They often go to the extent of taking on more than they can for the sake of keeping others happy, but deep down inside, they’re miserable and burnt out and have less time and energy for their own needs and priorities.
Moreover, people pleasing might actually result in the opposite effect to the desired one: to be liked by others. It could result in one being taken advantage of because he will say yes to every single thing. For example, if someone is always willing to do tasks at any hour for a job, his colleagues will bug him for work at any hours, even during bedtime or outside office hours. Additionally, it could lead to people feeling frustrated about their relationships since they are based on what one does for another, and not based on give-and-take or mutual reciprocity. People should like you for who you are, and not just what you do to help them.
So, how do we deal with it?
You are not responsible for others’ problems
One of the most healing things I’ve learnt is that I am not responsible for solving others’ problems. I have come across a few friends who were in need of more companionship, but I wasn’t able to be there for them around the clock because I have my life to live. They need to solve their problems themselves. There were some things that others wanted to do but I decided to set boundaries and be less high-maintenance with them. In fact, it isn’t selfish to not give in to all their needs; we have our own lives to live. Even though they have their problems, it isn’t fair of them to expect you to help them outside their capacity to solve them. At the end of the day, we all have to solve our own problems and it is our responsibility, not anyone else’s.
Saying no and setting boundaries
This goes in sync with the previous point well. When we’re addicted to pleasing others, we may commit a whole day to helping someone when all we can manage is a couple of hours. In this case, we will feel burnt out and frustrated that we didn’t put our needs first.
That’s where saying no or setting boundaries comes in. One of the most healing things I learnt was that saying no to something that doesn’t serve you actually means saying yes to yourself. Setting boundaries is actually a subset of saying no, because “yes” and “no” aren’t exactly bipolar. Maybe one way to do so is set boundaries and tell someone you can only help them for a certain period of time or only do what is within your capacity.
It isn’t selfish to do that. In fact, some tips to deal with this better could be understanding ourselves and our priorities - whom the people we want to spend our time and energy with are, what are the things that matter most to us and what would best serve our needs. Alternatively, we can practise self-soothing and affirming that we have the right to say no and set boundaries e.g. “I don’t have to feel guilty for declining to meet my friend because having a day to myself is my way of recharging, and when I’m not recharged, I won’t be able to be the best version of myself to others.”
Giving feedback
I’ve never liked brutal honesty. In fact, even though I’m less of a people pleaser compared to the past, I still prefer this approach to brutal honesty. In fact, some people are more concerned about being brutal than honest when they have a “brutally honest” style. Some of the points such a style might bring up could end up being personal attacks, and not genuine feedback aimed at making someone else improve.
What I prefer to do is to share both positive and negative aspects, and reason in a logical way. One instance was when I was tasked to edit a friend’s blog post and I came across a few things that were phrased in a way that sounded a bit offensive. Instead of just criticising at her writing style, I praised her for the effort and time invested to write the post and pointed out some areas in which she had done well, before proceeding to explain that by phrasing things in such a way, it could potentially offend others and draw them away, hence I explained that it would be good that if she could be mindful of the impact of the way words were phrased in future and gave a few suggestions, before once again showing her appreciation for the effort.
Disagreeing politely
Don’t just speak your mind. You must be honest, but deliver it in a way that acknowledges the other person’s point of view. It is important to validate and acknowledge their point of view or suggestion before you go to your own with logical reasoning.
Going back to the example of the guy who wanted to play golf, it wouldn’t be wise to tell the person straight in the face, “Golf is so boring! Why do you want to play it?” Instead, it would be wiser to tell them, “I know you really like to play golf, but personally I don’t really enjoy playing it so I’d prefer we do something else instead like swimming. Is that fine with you?” The first example is one that uses dogmatic reasoning and might cause the person who suggested golf to feel hurt and defensive because his interest was put down. However, in the second scenario, the person who suggested playing golf is likely to listen to you because he understands why you would prefer not to play golf.
One other example was when I was discussing Fantasy Football tips in a Telegram chat with other people who also play it. Once, I heard another person in the chat wanted to wait a while to bring in a player to see if there was any injury, while I wanted to quickly buy the player should his price rise. What I told the person was the decision to wait a while was a wise move but I preferred to bring it in and that there were pros and cons of each decision we’d make.
Some phrases that could help are:
“I see what you’re saying, but…”
“I understand where you’re coming from, but…”
“That’s a valid point, but…”
Conclusion
We all need love and to belong. However, pleasing others should only go to the extent of doing things within our capacity. Being a people pleaser isn’t always bad, but addiction to it is dangerous. Thankfully, there are many ways for us to set boundaries and say no, which may feel awkward, uncomfortable or unfamiliar at the start, but using affirmations and reminders that we are saying yes to ourselves is the way to go. It isn’t always right to say what exactly is on your mind, but acknowledging others’ opinions or points of view is important, lest you will risk straining your relationships.
I'll end off with a quote that I set as my lockscreen wallpaper: "Don't be afraid of losing people, be afraid of losing yourself by trying to please everyone around you." In fact, our desire to win people over may end up causing something worse: compromising our values and not fulfilling our priorities.
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