July has been a really interesting month, and by far, one the most enriching of the year.
The month started off on a positive note, as I reached the one-quarter mark of my NS journey (trust me, the first 6 months felt really long) and celebrated it with a few SAF Day Discounts.
That aside, I suddenly realised I'd been dismissing praise from others and not being too kind to myself. I felt that I had been too hard on myself when I made mistakes. Another realisation I made was that I really lacked self-confidence. Hence, I was determined to improve my self-love and self-confidence.
Shortly after the month commenced, there was an event that required me to give a short presentation and I was really unprepared. However, I tried to be natural and have a form of personal engagement with the audience. I also tried to observe a guy who was speaking before me without any difficulty and a personal engagement with the audience. I felt that I eventually did a decent job.
I had lost quite a lot of confidence as a result of incidents in secondary school and JC.
The next day, I was playing Frisbee with my friends. I used to say I was really bad, but I felt proud of myself for making a crucial interception and a pass that helped my team score. All in all, even though my team lost, it was just a friendly and we had fun. I also didn't dismiss my friends' praise of me and instead thanked them when they told me I played well. It did make me feel a bit better of myself, even though what I did was small. My confidence had grown a little.
Another interesting moment came about a week after, when I had to comfort someone close to me who was upset (I can't say who for privacy reasons). It made me realise that everyone has their own struggles in life and perfection is inexistent. Even though I didn't know exactly how to advise that person, it did matter that I was just being there and offering a listening ear. Sometimes, I've also had to confide in others in my darkest moments, when I felt alone and misunderstood. Nonetheless, it's always nice to pay forward the kindness others have shown me and lend others a listening ear. I was happy to be there and my presence and willingness to listen was appreciated.
Over the course of the month, I gradually opened up about part of my life story to a few others and when I let go of the shame of my past to others, I felt less burdened and more joyful. I used to be very secretive about it, but I am gradually sharing it to more people and it has definitely made me accept myself more. I used to hate certain aspects of myself and wanted to be a totally different person, wishing to venture to the other extreme, but that'd be cynical and I'd end up not being myself!
One of my favourite phrases in this aspect is "imperfectly perfect". No one is perfect, and yet everyone strives to be perfect. Needless to say, I was (and still am) guilty of that too! However, realising that our imperfections make us who we are and more human has been the first step for me to get out of this false reality I've been living in. If all of us were perfect, wouldn't it be boring since everyone would have the same strengths and no weaknesses, which means no areas for improvement?
Nevertheless, it's important for one not to beat himself up for his imperfections and slowly work on them. We are very quick to praise others, but ironically very quick to criticise or blame ourselves. Hence, I'd like to share three tips on this very common issue on feeling insecure about one's faults. I've been insecure about mine as well!
Firstly, don't blame yourself for your weakness, for no one is perfect. There is no need to feel inferior to others based on this, and we should all love ourselves. Everyone is born differently, and there are just certain things we dislike about ourselves, but
Secondly, give yourself a pat on the back for every bit of improvement or progress, no matter how small. It isn't possible to completely improve on your flaws overnight, so you should strive to work on a little bit at a time. Even though there may be setbacks, the effort to improve in itself is commendable. One of my favourite quotes in this aspect is by Lao Tzu: "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." Indeed, overcoming our weaknesses is a long journey, but with consistency and determination to improve, positive results will slowly but surely materialise.
Thirdly, surround yourself with those who are positive and will stick with you even through tough times. Those who truly matter sincerely want to see you overcome your weaknesses and develop as a person, and when you make such aspirations, their support will definitely go a long way. The first step to ask for help is undoubtedly a huge one and may seem overwhelming, but do remember that no one is perfect and it's more important to know that what you're doing is right and not be too preoccupied with what others think.
One thing I realised when I dug out my old diary from my cupboard is that my self-confidence had hit rock bottom about three years ago, right after O Levels. There were many contributing factors to this. I hated myself because some people would judge me for being too serious, uptight and having a lack of humour. While I've learnt how to be more jovial and joke, I do accept the fact that I'm an introvert and not meant to be a social butterfly. I feel that I've become more relaxed and able to joke and laugh a little more compared to last time, and that itself is a source of encouragement for me!
Uplifting music is one way for me to learn about self-love. The lyrics in Whitney Houston's Greatest Love of All is one example.
"I decided long ago Never to walk in anyone's shadows If I fail, if I succeed At least I'll live as I believe No matter what they take from me They can't take away my dignity."
The is a reminder to us that we just have to be ourselves and even though we aren't perfect, it's beautiful to just be ourselves.
The month ended off with a fracture on my left wrist, and being positive is honestly easier said than done! It's been very easy for me to recall all the negativity and all my limitations in such a state, and I felt bad for being unable to recall and appreciate the kindness everyone has shown me. Even random strangers offered to help me; a Grab driver offered to open the door for me the other day and I was really touched by his small but warm gesture. As much as it's touching to have others do things for me, it personally sucks not being able to do it myself.
Nonetheless, it could've been worse. I could've been in a cast for longer, or worse, I could have gotten injured at a worse time. I can't imagine having such an injury in a year with such a major exam, especially last year when I was studying for A Levels and couldn't afford to take my foot off the gas.
Moving a little into August, there was a live music session I attended and I really enjoyed it and how everyone there was so warm and sincere, as well as being able to crack a few jokes about my wrist. I spoke to a couple of musicians there, Adia and Debra, and I felt that it was really sincere and amazing of them to express their emotions and stories through music; it makes their music so much more human and meaningful! I was really amazed by how outgoing and friendly they were, and this session was really uplifting after being surrounded by like-minded people who also believe in being very human.
To end off, I feel that I've managed take a few small steps to overcome a negative state that has bugged me for many years. As much as the steps may seem small, they are big to me because overcoming part of my negative emotions is a huge leap forward for me.
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