September was a really challenging month for me, but it was also one that taught me a lot of things. It was a stage when I was constantly plagued by negative thoughts and sometimes, I didn't even know why I was unhappy. In other words, at one moment, I'd be angry for one reason and the next, I'd be angry for another reason. It was so frustrating to be in it.
There were, however, a few takeaways I managed to gain from it despite the bitterness.
The month started off in a really bad state, when I was struggling with a lot of deep-rooted insecurities. These feelings made me wonder about my life - especially if I was in the inner circles of my friends and I felt inferior because I got the impression that everyone had closer friends than me. Nonetheless, this is not anybody's fault and it is mainly based on my own observations and perceptions.
I was really drained by the lack of fulfillment in my life in general and the usual wishes that many people have - to be recognised, acknowledged and have good things in my life.
Even positive things people said to me failed to lift my spirits. There were encouraging people I turned to for a listening ear, but I felt quite miserable and dissatisfied. People would tell me things such as "you're doing great", but I was quite unhappy and I still felt very frustrated.
Being around people was something that drained me quite a bit. When I saw some of my friends or even family members texting on WhatsApp on Instagram DM intently, I'd get the impression that they were better occupied and hence living better social lives than me. Consequently, I'd end up feeling insecure and sad.
However, there were some lessons I learnt from these incidents.
Firstly, the insecurities taught me not to take out my anger on others and find other healthier outlets. Feeling insecure also meant that I had a sense of jealousy and inferiority to others, which ultimately made me want to feel like I was better than them.
There was one night that my frustration was really bad and I just lost it. I just got really angry and lost my temper at my family members. I guess it was from seeing them being occupied with their own lives. However, this isn't an excuse and I realised that by being impatient and a bit intrusive to them, I had hurt them quite a fair lot.
Very often, the ones we love the most are the ones we hurt the most. It's ironic and yet true at the same time, but it's important to be aware of us doing it because it isn't healthy for family relationships.
This brings me to my next point that everyone is going through their own struggles. The turning point that made me soften my approach to my family members came when I heard that they were going through a struggle of their own. I also didn’t see what struggle they were going through, but we must never assume that other people are doing fine even if they do not look as though they are struggling. In an extreme case, barely 36 hours before Chester Bennington, the former lead vocalist of Linkin Park, committed suicide due to depression, there was a video taken of him eating jelly beans and laughing with his family.
Going back to my main point, can you imagine how you would feel if you are having a horrible day and someone yells at you or says something incredibly nasty to you? Shit would just go down!
As such, we should always strive to be kind to others. There is a quote that I saw somewhere: “Everyone is fighting their own battle which we have no idea about, so we should always be kind” or words to that effect.
The truth is that we rise by lifting others, not by bringing them down. If we bring others down, it only goes to say that we are lower than them. Instead of making others feel insecure (which someone has done to me before, and it felt really awful!), why not try spreading positive vibes to them? Kindness is indeed a powerful magnet, and even a few encouraging words could make someone else’s day, and it could make ours too. There was one day I gave a friend who was having a difficult time a pat on the back and said a few encouraging words, and it not just warmed her heart, but it warmed mine too.
From my personal experience, being warm and friendly and just greeting my friends or even a salesperson when I go shopping in a light-hearted and cheerful way can lift my spirits.
Moreover, I also learnt not to restrict others happiness when I was in a negative state. A very typical example would be when you are with a group of friends and they start talking about a topic you dislike talking about or feel uncomfortable about. However, that shouldn't make you restrict your friends' joy by forcefully stopping them from sharing about the topic. Instead, it would be better to politely withdraw from the conversation and not join in. After all, as the saying goes, one man's meat is another man's poison; likewise, what one person may not like discussing may be something another loves talking about.
Restricting others' enjoyment creates a very unhealthy culture and will only end up breeding more toxicity and unhealthy comparison in friendships.
On the subject of unhealthy comparison, my insecurities also meant that I compared myself to others in an unhealthy way. I was overwhelmed with feelings of envy and jealousy, and I felt that everyone else was enjoying better lives, better friends and better jobs than me.
A few instances of the unhealthy comparisons came when I envied others who had boyfriends or girlfriends, those who were doing jobs that gave them a sense of purpose and those who got more recognition than I did.
There were two ways I tried to get out of this negative state - by trying to turn destructive comparison into constructive comparison, as well as reminding myself that no matter how good one's situation will be, there will still be challenges.
Regarding the first way, most of the time, when we compare ourselves to others, the comparison we engage in is destructive in nature. We always try to see who is the richest, scored the best in a test, has a partner, has the most expensive car, looks the most attractive or dresses in the most trendy way.
However, when I shared with one of my friends about how I had tried to get out of negative emotional states by muting certain social media accounts and identifying a few people whom I could connect with and confide in, her response really struck me.
She told me that she was inspired by how I was able to help myself climb out of my negative thought cycles and find strategies myself, and that it gave her the hope that she could do the same. Of course, the struggles that she went through were different from mine, but all of us experience negative thought cycles, hence there is a need for all of us to help ourselves out of these cycles.
Her response made me contemplate on the way I compared myself to others. It is so natural and human of us to want to be loved, recognised, have friends and do what we love. However, having overly high expectations is unhealthy and seeing others having the things we desire would make us feel like we are less than them.
However, instead of seeing others enjoying these things or succeeding in a particular aspect in life as something to be envied, why not use it as an inspiration to tell us that if they can do it, so can we? Surely we can compare the positive qualities we see in others to develop those qualities in ourselves.
It doesn't need to be exactly the same thing, and it need not be something big like fame. It can be something small like hearing how someone developed a positive quality in themselves. After all, everyone is different and our aspirations and needs vary across different people.
One real life example of how someone used positive comparison to succeed is JT McCormick, the president and CEO of Scribe Media, who worked his way up from poverty to becoming a CEO. As explained in his book about his life story I Got There, he compared himself to company leaders, studied how they dressed and spoke, and was inspired to learn the positive examples from them. At the same time, he measured success by his own yardstick and didn't expect to instantly become a CEO; rather, he worked extremely hard until he achieved his lifestyle. To cap it off, he now talks to inspire kids in juvenile detention and hopes that they can use his journey as an inspiration to find their own success story.
Moving on to the next point, we have to face the hard truth is that perfection is non-existent in our world. No matter how much conditions are in our favour, there will still be flaws and struggles. There is always a trade off no matter what situation we are in.
Fame is not a magic cure to all our struggles. There are many celebrities who suffer from anxiety, depression or eating disorders, to name a few, because of the pressure put on them since they are under the spotlight. There are countless examples of celebrities who have experienced such problems. Justin Bieber shared that he struggled with depression because he made a number of bad decisions such as drug consumption and abusing his relationships, and he felt that he became the most hated person in the world. He added that he felt that getting out of bed was difficult and there were times he didn't even feel like living. Chrissy Teigen also wrote an essay about her postpartum depression; even though she apparently had everything she wanted, she still struggled. She found it hard to get out of bed, lost her appetite and became very short on patience with her crew, bursting into tears on various occasions. Furthermore, Demi Lovato shared that she struggled with eating disorders, and they relapsed after she broke up with her former long time boyfriend.
Even if fame may not be very relatable to some of us, seeing some people living seemingly more meaningful and purposeful lives than me struggle would be something I have clearly witnessed.
Many people who work 9 to 5 office jobs often complain that they're stressed out and tired at work, and more often than not lacking fulfillment in their jobs. This got me thinking, how would their life be like if they became freelancers?
Freelancers are arguably working in jobs that they really love and have a burning passion for, but that doesn't mean their lives are perfect. They may not necessarily have an office or team to support them, and they may not be earning a stable income to support themselves. As such, they are also fighting battles of their own and it would be wrong to assume that it is an escape from the life of the typical office employee.
In fact, those who work office jobs may choose not to become a freelancer because they need to have a stable income to support themselves and possibly their families.
I'm not implying that one type of job is better than the other, but rather that regardless of the job or situation we end up in, there will always be some form of trade-off that has to be made. Hence, as ironic as it may sound, we have no choice but to embrace the imperfections and try to see the good in the situations we are in. It isn’t easy but it is very important.
On the other hand, if we are going through a tough time, we can also flip the idea around and remind ourselves that there is always something positive in a negative situation and that we have the power to make it better to an extent within our control. For instance, sometimes I can get frustrated with the lack of fulfillment in my NS life and get the impression others are living better lives than me. The way I try to deal with it is to find some things I really enjoy doing and can find meaning in, when I have free time (such as writing posts like this!), and remind myself that I am fortunate I don't need to deal with the stress of studies after studying so hard for A Levels over the past two years and having hardly any time to pursue my hobbies (of course it'll come back after I ORD and go to university, but a break from studying is certainly more than welcome).
Another unhealthy habit that I had in September was relying on some people too much for my happiness. I relied on them replying to my text messages, telling me jokes and other things, and judged them by unfair criteria such as how fast they replied to my messages.
However, one huge takeaway I learnt was to not have unreasonably high expectations of others and that if we want to be happy, it has to start from us.
Relying on others for happiness would mean that when they leave you or are unable to meet your expectations, you end up feeling disappointed and empty. You will also feel angry when they do not meet your expectations, which may be unreasonable, especially when you're having a tough time.
That is because relying on others for happiness means that we are not genuinely happy on the inside. Developing a wholesome inner emotional state is paramount for our own long-term happiness.
We can do it by distancing ourselves from people who give us negative vibes, being grateful for the things that we have and even performing random acts of kindness.
At the end of the month, I felt a strong sense of satisfaction that I had made a number of realisations and improved my emotional state. However, I also noted that that good emotional states are not lasting. People may think it is so simple to be happy and make remarks such as "be positive", "man up" or "snap out of it", but the reality is that stepping out of toxic emotional states and maintaining wholesome ones is easier said than done. More often than not, these remarks end up doing more harm than good, even though they are usually well-intentioned. When you're down and out, all you want to do is stop hurting rather than be told what to do or how you ought to feel.
It's very easy to be affected by negative incidents and more often than not, we overlook the positive ones. I am no exception, and it takes a lot of effort to maintain the positive energy in my mind. Sometimes, when I fail to do so, I question myself and wonder if I'm moving backwards.
There was a quote I saw on Instagram: "After you've received what you've prayed for, the work to sustain it gets real. So prepare your mind before hand."
One typical example is having a boy-girl relationship. Many teenagers and young adults yearn for a boyfriend or girlfriend, but once they get it, it isn't that easy to maintain the relationship. They have to constantly show they care for each other and make time for the other party. If not, there may be a breakup.
On a closing note, it's important for us to remember that if we want good things in our life, it has to start from us. We are responsible for our own happiness and there are certainly things within our control that can improve our emotional state. However, when the good things come to us, we shouldn't take them for granted because if we don't invest the time and effort to maintain them, we may lose them.
To end off, here is a quote by Buddha: "Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared." As such, it is very important for us to be kind to others and pay forward the kindness and warmth we have received to others. Doing so will not diminish our happiness, but it will instead magnify the happiness of those around us, as well as our own happiness. Hence, rather than restricting or limiting others' joy, we should spread it to as many people as possible!
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