In Part 1, I described various reasons why we struggle to accept ourselves in today’s world and face issues such as overthinking what others think of us, expecting ourselves to be perfect and comparing ourselves to others in a harmful and self-defeating way, which causes us to view the world in a pessimistic way and puts us at a greater risk of feeling inadequate or getting anxiety and depression.
Despite all this, there is a way to make us feel better about ourselves and learn to accept ourselves for who we truly are.
First of all, there is this interesting and powerful quote by Jodi Picoult: “When you’re different, you don’t see the millions of people who accept you for who you are. All you see is the person who doesn’t.” This quote isn’t just relevant to people accepting us for who we are, but the same principle can be applied in various aspects of our negative confirmation bias towards ourselves.
Interpretation #1: The literal meaning
We expect everyone to accept us for who we are. When people embrace our true selves, we feel that that should be the way things should be. However, how about people who don’t? When people don’t like us for who we are, we instantly think that the whole world is against us and feel like there is something terribly wrong with us.
There was once I had a schoolmate who was really manipulative and toxic. This made me dread going to school and I felt that everyone was against me, but the truth was that the others were still very supportive. The thing that makes me thankful is that even though that guy almost made me doubt my own sanity, my saving grace was the thoughts of all the people who showed care about this, be it telling me not to feel pressured to reconnect with him or expressing disgust that someone could be so sadistic to do such things.
Interpretation #2: We look at all our weaknesses, and fail to see our strengths
We feel like there’s something terribly wrong with us when we mess up or make a small mistake instead of seeing all the greatness within us, and all the accomplishments that we’ve made feel trivial and it feels like they never happened. We tend to blow up this horrible part of us and fail to embrace all the beauty and uniqueness within us. All of us are good in one way or another, but one mistake or part of us that we’re dissatisfied with, no matter how small, can make us feel worthless and cause us to beat ourselves up.
Interpretation #3: We look at all the bad things people do to us, and fail to see all the kind things they did to us
Take the example of my fear of rejection in terms of people not replying my text messages. Even though this isn’t exactly a bad thing per se, more so because people genuinely had reasons for not replying - be it not seeing the messages or being busy, I still forgot the times that people replied me, even if they did so 99 per cent of the time. That 1 per cent of the times they forgot would be bad enough to spark off a huge insecurity in me, and my head would be swarmed with thoughts. “Oh, I’m such a social failure!” “Oh, nobody gives a #$@% about me!” “The whole world is against me!” “I’m just a dark and gloomy island in the sea that everyone is just trying to stay away from!”
As such, even one seemingly small mistake can be bad enough for us to start an internal dialogue with the most hateful speech that we would never dare to say to a loved one. Even though all those things said are definitely untrue (and really exaggerated too), the truth is that we tend to pick on others’ faults and fail to see the moments when they were nice to us. There were times when people cheered me on. They picked me up when I was down and lent me a listening ear. They reminded me of my worth when I was unable to see it. They celebrated when I achieved something as they would for their own achievement. There were so many times that people were showing love, yet because of one small flaw, we start to act like the flaw is the whole picture.
Perhaps the story of the two bad bricks by Buddhist monk Ajahn Brahm would be an excellent representation of this point. He built a wall of 1,000 bricks, but wanted to destroy it and build it from scratch because two of the bricks were bad, and that made him ashamed of his wall. However, a man came along one day and told him that he saw the 998 good bricks instead and that the wall was beautiful, hence he shouldn’t knock it down.
The flaws of what we have can be at the centre of our attention even if they’re really small, but what we fail to recognise is that others aren’t focused on the flaws. Rather, they’re able to look beyond them at the beauty in us.
How to cultivate self-love
The bad news is, there’s no easy fix. Saying that you love yourself to yourself in the mirror every single day, unfortunately, is nothing more than paying yourself lip service if nothing is done to support it.
Thankfully, there is good news too. There are a few ways that we can learn to love ourselves too. It won’t happen overnight, and there will be ups and downs in our journey, but at the end of the tunnel, there will be some light and respite from all the darkness.
Method #1: Accepting ourselves for who we are and allowing ourselves to make mistakes
Just like the opening verse from the song This Is Me from The Greatest Showman goes, “I’ve learned to be ashamed of all my scars, run away, they say, no one will love you as you are”, many of us are afraid of showing our weaknesses or flaws to others because we’re afraid of being rejected.
However, the first step is to accept our flaws and that we aren’t perfect. Instead of looking at our flaws as weaknesses, we can have a growth mindset instead and tell ourselves that this is something that we can improve on with time and practice. Weaknesses and mistakes aren’t the whole of us. As mentioned in the earlier section, we tend to blow up mistakes that we make. As mentioned in the first part, Michael Carrick kept beating himself up for the mistake he made that cost Manchester United the Champions League trophy, and he kept asking himself why he had given the ball away.
Even though the fact that Carrick’s mistake cost him and United the final is undeniable, the problem was the way he was ruminating over it was really unhealthy. Everyone makes mistakes. It was just unfortunate in his case that it happened in the Champions League Final. However, we need to accept that we make mistakes, but running through them over and over again doesn’t do us any good. We can’t do anything to change them. Carrick can’t go back and reverse the story such that he didn’t give the ball away and United beat Barcelona to the trophy in the end.
Even though the past can’t be changed, we can take comfort in the fact that we can do something in future to atone for our past mistakes. In fact, some people say that the best apology is changed behaviour. Once, after I had lost my temper and shouted at one of my family members, I was really upset about doing that and called myself a “horrible person” to them, in the hope that I could make them feel better. However, it didn’t because they accepted that I was upset in the first place. Instead of that, I have decided that I will be more tactful and find healthier outlets to express my anger instead of venting it on them.
Instead of asking ourselves “why was I so foolish or dumb to do that?”, we could assure ourselves that it’s part of human nature to make mistakes, and instead focus on how we can do things differently should we face a similar situation in future. Mistakes are essential for our growth and learning what is right for us. Without mistakes, we wouldn’t know what is suitable for us and we wouldn’t even grow at all.
There are also certain parts of ourselves that can’t really be changed, such as our looks. Some people are so dissatisfied with their physical appearance that they resort to drastic action to alter it, be it drastically changing their diet or undergoing plastic surgery. Even so, these thousands of dollars spent on surgery do not guarantee satisfaction. However, what is truly admirable is how some people who have certain aspects of their appearance were able to accept themselves.
One example is Mr Lee Ci En, who was born with dwarfism and has a height of 1.25 metres. He was uncomfortable at people pointing at him and whispering, and wished that he could be muscular and work out his body like his schoolmates who were in uniformed groups, which had rigorous physical training. However, over time, he grew more confident and realised that he was meant to live a different life, which could also be as meaningful and fulfilling as others. In fact, Mr Lee has held an appreciation drive for public transport staff and even pushed his physical boundaries by going to the Outward Bound School.
Another example would be Mr Josiah Ong, a Singaporean born with Tourette’s syndrome. This caused him to have involuntary movements or vocalisations. People thought that he was having bad habits and even though there were times people expected him to “just stop fidgeting”, such as when he had to do drills, he couldn’t. The thing that hit his self-esteem was when he worried that people would view him as an abnormal person or even a “weirdo”.
Thankfully, while medication and treatment has helped to reduce the frequency of his involuntary movements, the thing that helped Mr Ong the most was how he learnt to love himself and care less about what others thought of him.
Both Mr Lee and Mr Ong were awarded the Asia Pacific Breweries Scholarship in different years, but their stories of self-acceptance are truly admirable and serve as an inspiration that regardless of what we dislike about ourselves that cannot really be changed, we can always change our perspective on it. It isn’t easy and it takes a long time, but just like these two bright young men have shown (and many more other people too), it isn’t impossible.
Method #2: Stop comparing to others
We often measure our worth based on what others have achieved. It’s extremely normal and common, and I am really guilty of this. The real reason why I was never satisfied with my social life was I kept seeing how others had so many more social connections and some were even more visibly well-liked than me, which led me to think that I was a boring and unappreciated person.
The truth is that, however, there will always be someone who is better than us at something. As much as it stings to hear and accept this, we must remember that we shouldn’t define our worth by what others have achieved. A “good social life” in my eyes actually meant a “better social life than others, both quantitatively and qualitatively”. As such, I felt that it was my loss when others seemed to gain more social connections even though it didn’t mean anything for me. It’s like a vicious cycle when you feel you don’t have enough and try to get more, but it still never feels like enough because there’s always someone who has more.
If we adopt this mindset of “their gain equals my loss” (even though we didn’t actually lose anything), our friendships can be threatened because friends could be turned into rivals who compete to see who has more. Even though they may gain something, it may also be a gain for us because they may be able to use it to support us. For example, a friend who scores well in a test could perhaps use his good knowledge and studying techniques to help his or her peers who are not as strong, and perhaps have a positive influence on their grades too.
More importantly, instead of focusing on others, we need to focus on ourselves. If we are too concerned about being better than others, we have no energy or capacity for our own growth, and wouldn’t it be better if we use that envy to improve ourselves instead? Envy could be a signal that we need to work for something we want, but of course, we must remember that we must write our own story and not aim to be a carbon copy of someone. Perhaps someone who wants to be the next Cristiano Ronaldo will have a slightly different way of dribbling the ball or taking free kicks and penalties. We can’t exactly be the same as another person, and even if they’re famous, it doesn’t mean they’re immune from negative emotions; in fact, fame could take a toll on one’s mental health because celebrities will have more pressure to please their fans, and if they don’t respond to it well, they could get mental illnesses such as depression.
The bottom line is that drawing inspiration from others or having aspirations is fine, but we must remember that even if others achieve something, it doesn’t diminish our worth. At the end, we should only be comparing ourselves to the person we were in the past. It need not exactly be the day before because changes don’t occur overnight, but surely an improvement or growth from a few years ago would be an excellent reason to smile about.
Method #3: Counter the self-critical talk
Even though this may seem like being overly optimistic or about giving ourselves a false sense of hope at first glance, the truth is that it’s more about getting an accurate view of what the reality is because we often tend to assume the worst in a situation.
When I have thoughts such as “people couldn’t care less about me” or words to that effect, perhaps instead of thinking about how people didn’t send me funny videos or reply my messages, I could examine the reason behind it. Even though there could be times that people deliberately ignored me, most of the time, it was because they were busy or had other things to do. Moreover, I could also think about the times people showed me care and concern and checked in on me, even in small ways.
With reference to the quote above, we really tend to blow up all the negative things in our lives. Unfortunately, that’s how life makes us feel. One toxic person is bad enough to make us doubt our own sanity and think the whole world is against us, and sadly, we fail to see all those who genuinely love and accept us for who we are. I didn’t see those people who genuinely saw me as a person who is great the way I am and even small gestures like expressing disgust go a long way. Even someone who said “that’s so mean of him” or “don’t feel obliged to do what makes you feel uncomfortable” would show that they care about my feelings and respect my boundaries. Focusing on those people allows us to develop a more realistic perspective and allows us to be grateful for the blessings in our life.
Method #4: Be kind and lend a helping hand to others
Volunteering has proven to be a good way to boost our self-esteem and worth because it allows us to see our own strengths - having empathy and lifting others up is really something that would make us feel better because we can gain a sense of purpose. Groups for volunteering are excellent because we can meet like-minded people who are passionate about similar causes to us - which is a great avenue for us to foster genuine friendships. Moreover, we can forge a strong sense of belonging to a community, and a step in the right direction of mixing with the right people. Moreover, this takes the focus away from ourselves and allows us to gain new perspectives on life. For example, volunteering with children with special needs would allow us to understand the challenges they face on a daily basis, but at the same time also look beyond their limitations and focus on their strengths instead.
Even if we don’t have the time or capacity to volunteer, random acts of kindness would be great as well. They may seem small, but the truth is that they are truly a win-win situation. Not only do they make someone else’s day, especially if they’re struggling or having a hard time, but they also challenge all the negative assumptions we have about ourselves. We feel useful when we can simply show a small gesture to others and this proves to ourselves that we can be kind and helpful, thus contradicting all the negative thoughts we have about ourselves. As mentioned with reference to the quote, we tend to always see the worst in ourselves but we tend to overlook the times when we displayed our strengths. Small gestures like complimenting someone, sharing an umbrella with someone when it’s raining or helping an old lady cross the road could go a long way. Or perhaps, we could be the driver in the car who sees an old lady crossing the road after the traffic light has turned green in our favour, but instead of sounding the horn or showing annoyance, we could patiently wait for her to cross the road and give her a reassuring smile once she has crossed it before moving off.
Method #5: Choose the kind of people we want to be with, and the kind of person we are to others
Toxic people don’t deserve to be in our lives. We must remember that we shouldn’t feel obliged to do anything that we don’t wish to do, and staying far away from toxic people is really a crucial way to make ourselves feel better. That is because they deploy manipulative tactics such as gaslighting to make us feel bad about ourselves. It really isn’t good for our health, and it makes us feel sad, unmotivated and hurts our self-esteem really badly. As far as possible, we should remove them from their lives, or if that isn’t possible because they are a schoolmate or co-worker, then it would be best to minimise interaction with them to just absolutely necessary ones. Perhaps joining others for lunch or getting to know a new colleague would be a better alternative in this case.
On a more positive note, being with the right people is truly a great gift. They will encourage us to achieve our dreams and keep going even when the road gets rough. They are the ones who embrace the uniqueness and individuality within us, and don’t expect us to change solely for the sake of pleasing others. Rather than drag us down, they lift us up. They will push us in the right direction and even if they criticise us, the reason behind it is wanting us to become a better person and improve.
However, as much as with anything in life, it takes two hands to clap. We also need to do our part and be the person that others want to be around. We need to be kind and friendly to others because we have a limited time with them, so we must be aware of the impact that we have on them in this limited time. Moreover, we are what we attract and in the process, when we are warm and friendly to others, those who truly deserve to be in our lives will reciprocate and good relationships can be forged.
Conclusion
Self-love is essential for our happiness. Even though we usually tend to have an overly negative mindset about our lives, the way to counter it is to learn to realise that we are good enough as we are. Remembering that we are the most important person we need to please is essential too because we can never please everyone, but we must remember that we are unique and beautiful in our own way that isn’t dictated by what others gain or lose. Ultimately, it's about realising what is within and what is beyond our control and taking the necessary actions. We also need to remember that the people we associate with and the activities we do have an impact on our self-esteem, so volunteering and mixing with like-minded people are excellent ways to boost our self-worth. It isn’t a smooth road or overnight journey, and ups and downs will surely be encountered, but there will surely be light at the end of the tunnel if we keep striving to be better than the previous version of ourselves.
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