Hard times are inevitable in life. We've all been there, done that. This year, I've confided in people more than ever. The response I got was mixed; I was satisfied with some responses but a little disappointed with others. Of course, I appreciate that people are trying to help, regardless of the response, unless it's a response trying to shoot me down. I also acknowledge that is isn't easy to give a skilful response to such a situation.
However, this made me really want to be a better friend that people can count on just to talk about their troubles. Of course, I usually turn to people when I'm troubled and people don't always confide in me about this, but the way they responded taught me a few ways I want to be a better confidant for others that we can all learn from.
Of course, these tips may not be applicable in all situations. These are mainly when someone is feeling down and needs to air their thoughts and feelings.
Don't ignore them
Some people may think this point is so obvious. However, it's very important to show that you care by not trying to steer the conversation elsewhere because it makes them feel like they are not valued. Don't try to find excuses not to be there for them and if you really need more time to reply to their text messages, you should let them know so that they don't get the impression you're deliberately ignoring them.
Showing or giving the impression that you don't care makes them scared of opening up, and bottling up their emotions certainly isn't healthy.
Thank them for sharing
This may sound very basic yet is important. The reason why someone is sharing their troubles or secrets with you is because he or she trusts you. Remember that it's not easy for people to open up on their problems. As such, you should show him or her that you appreciate his or her trust in you.
Don't be too quick to give them solutions; rather, give them space and time
Stephen Covey said in his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: "Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply." Indeed, I believe that it's more important to make them feel understood rather than just giving them solutions.
Very often, people have good intentions when they give advice, but it's important to deliver it in a timely and sensitive manner. Sometimes, we may not be able to provide tangible help, but we can always lend the person a listening ear; that would definitely help them feel better.
Take the hypothetical example of someone who suspects they have a serious medical issue and are very worried about their upcoming check up. One person will tell them, "Don't think so much" while another will tell them, "Hey, it's normal to feel this way but realistically speaking there isn't much you can do". Which person would you prefer?
For the first person, the person awaiting the check up may end up feeling worse because the guy who responded seems to be suppressing the person's emotions and not giving them the space to worry. As for the second person, the person awaiting the check up will feel understood and that they have the space to feel that way, but at the same time they will perhaps try to worry less because they know that the situation is largely beyond their control.
It is important to show some warmth to the other party because they need it more than practical solutions. The main thing they want is to stop hurting rather than solve the existing problem.
Don't tell them how they should feel or think
This is related to the previous point. Contrary to popular belief, it is highly inadvisable to tell someone who confides in you about their troubles to be positive, or remind them of the good things they still have. It could come off as indirectly criticising them for refusing to have positive thoughts. In fact, sometimes all they need is some time and space to let the negative feelings subside. After all, we can't be positive 100 percent of the time, can we?
It also annoys me a bit when people tell me that I should not feel a certain way. When I was told that I shouldn't feel jealous of others and instead be happy for them and see them as an inspiration, it slightly annoyed me because even though I knew that I should adopt this mindset, I felt like I was being scolded for feeling the way I felt, which was so real and couldn't be denied.
We should also not tell them that there are always people in worse situations than us. There is always a certain degree of emotional pain that people feel when they're in such situations, and hence they will be unable to see the pain others are going through. They need the time to let the hurt they feel subside and get through the trying period for them, and telling them that may come off as scolding them for being unhappy about their problem when others are facing worse problems. Saying that other people are worse off could prove to be a grave mistake because it would only serve to deepen their wounds and possibly undermine the pain they are going through.
Make them feel they're not alone
One of the best ways I feel we can make people feel better is to try to relate to them. When life messes up on us, we all think "What trick is the world playing on me?" or "Why always me?" We feel we're the only one faced in such a dark situation. However, there's definitely people who can relate to us.
As such, I feel it's important to try to relate to someone who's struggling by sharing a similar experience you went through, if you can think of one. It will help tremendously, because they will know that others are struggling as well and feel like they aren't alone and perhaps less vulnerable.
However, it's important to be careful when sharing such stories in the following aspects.
Firstly, it will be wiser not to say "I know what you're going through", especially if your situation is different from theirs. That is because you are not the person and only the person knows what he or she is going through. Instead, it will be better to say "I understand" or "I can relate because I went through something similar". That's because what everyone goes through is different and we can never truly understand their situation unless we ourselves are in it. As mentioned before, our choice of words is very important!
Moreover, we shouldn't say that one person's situation is better or worse than the other's situation. It could end up making someone feel worse, especially if you say that your situation is better than his or her situation. What everyone goes through is different and hence it's unfair to say that one person has been through worse than another.
There may, however, be times when it may be better not to tell them a story, especially when what someone went through was quite unique and didn't happen to you before. For example, if someone breaks their leg and someone who has never broken a bone before says that they can relate and tells a long story, it only makes the person feel worse. In this case, it will be better to show empathy in other ways.
The stories should be similar in a sense. Some instances could be if someone shares they're being bullied or in a toxic relationship. In such a situation, it could be possible to share your experience if you went through something similar. However, we should keep it brief rather than make the story the main subject because it may divert the conversation away from the person's pain and leave them still hurting, with the possibility of deepened wounds.
One powerful phrase that we can use regardless of the solution is: " You're not alone and we'll get through this together."
Praise them for what they did right
This is important because it makes them feel a bit better about the negative situation, rather than just scolding them for landing themselves in it. Others may engage in self-blame, so we should try to assure them that there was something that they did right. Surely there was something that they did well in along the way; it can be them not wanting to seek the easy way out or even the way they're opening up to seek help.
When I was in secondary school, I used to hate myself for being too honest and always doing my Council duties properly while the others slacked. I felt very bad about myself because I got taken advantage of by other students and since the duty system was ineffective as a whole, I wondered why I was even doing what I did. However, I felt a bit better when my mum told me that the fact that I was honest and didn't try to seek the easy way out was commendable.
In fact, people can be very hard on themselves for landing themselves in a problem. Hence, we must remind them that it isn't their fault and there is always something that they did well in, even though it may be small.
It would also be good to remind them that facing these negative situations does not make them inferior or less to anyone else. Under many circumstances, we feel that we have lost out to the rest and as such feel inferior. It's important to remind someone that we're not less than these people.
Don't try to shoot down their thoughts or feelings
As much as what someone thinks or says may sound irrational, it's not right to tell him or her that he or she is being unreasonable or unrealistic. They can't deny their thoughts or feelings, and should not be judged for their unrealistic feelings. If it's real in their head, it's real.
It would hence be foolish to tell them to "wake up" or "snap out of it". This goes back to my earlier point about giving people space; it's important to allow them feel the way they do. Telling them such things gives them the impression you are trying to control them and it's not as simple as it seems to just get out of a negative state of mind; it takes so much courage and strength.
A relevant quote would be by Louis C.K.: "When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t." Even though we may not have been the ones who hurt them, the same principle can be applied; if they have these negative thoughts and feelings, no matter how irrational, we can't tell them that they don't feel this way, for the very simple reason that we're not them.
When people are feeling down, they are unable to see the world from a positive perspective and hence they may feel like no one cares about them or that the world is playing a prank on them. I felt that way before. As much as these thoughts may sound unreasonable, it is nonetheless very important for us not to tell people or give people the impression that we want them to snap out of these thoughts. Rather, we should let them release their feelings in a healthy way and give them the space they need.
Offer to help, with a small gesture, and show that you care
It need not be something big like a huge gift. Meeting them for a meal, writing a card for them or having a chat on the phone would be good! It's these sort of gestures that send a message to the other person that you care about them and you are there for them. Don't just say that you care about them, show it with your actions!
Personally, I had a few friends who offered to have a little chat with me on the phone (that extended to about an hour) and another offered to treat me to a meal. I was really touched by their gestures because it made me realise that they were willing to set time aside for me and it showed that they cared for me. When I saw other people struggling as well in my trying period, being kind to them helped me feel a bit better, even though it was just a small gesture.
Tell them they are brave and have overcome tough times before
This is something that will give them a push through the difficult times, and spur them to overcome their challenges.
Earlier this year, I was in a very negative emotional state and it bothered me for close to two months. Even though I managed to get out of it, this state came back to me after a few months when a fresh set of challenges were thrown my way, especially when I fractured my wrist and had to keep my arm in a sling for three to four weeks. I was really spurred when a friend told me that since I'd done it before, I could get out of it and see the light again.
Nonetheless, we must not give them false promises and choose our words wisely. Saying "everything's going to be alright" may give them a sense of false hope, but saying "you will get through this, I believe in you" will give them a sense of hope and remind them they are stronger than they think.
Only give them advice if they ask for it, and don't force it on them
I've mentioned before that in these tough times, people want to stop hurting rather than get any advice. Hence, it would only be wise to give advice when they really want or need it, at their request.
It is important to tell them that it's okay if they don't want to accept our advice. What works for one person may not necessarily work for another. Things may work differently for them than for us. Even though we have good intentions, we should not be angry when others don't take our advice and remember it isn't our
fault that they don't take it.
Conclusion
Overall, it is important for us to be wise when responding to someone who is confiding in us. It may seem like a small deal to us, but our response matters a lot to those who are undergoing a hard time. The most important thing is to make them feel understood rather than being too quick to offer solutions, which as well-intentioned as it may be, may backfire and perhaps make the person confiding in you feel annoyed.
Instead of throwing advice their way, showing empathy or saying small things like "I'm sorry to hear that you had a hard time" could really make a difference.
Our choice of words is very important, and even though it may seem like a small difference, it could make a huge difference to someone who is hurting really badly inside. For example, saying "be positive" or "cheer up" could have a very different effect from saying "I hope you feel better".
We should also never compare their situations to others' situations because if we do so, it seems to either amplify or undermine the pain they are going through, and both will only add salt to their already hurting wounds.
Giving them some praise and encouragement and sharing that they are not alone could in fact go a very long way and mean the world for them. It is important to remind them that there was something they did well in so they won't be so hard on themselves.
At the end of the day, it is up to us to be better confidants to our friends. We must remember to value quality over quantity, because tangible solutions do not necessarily make one feel less hurt.
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