“People struggle to be alone, so they search for ‘anything’, just to say they have something.
And ‘anything’ won’t make you happy. Work on yourself until you’re secure enough to be alone without being lonely.
After all, if you’re happy alone, when you meet the right person, you’ll be happier together.”
One fine day in 2020, I was scrolling through Instagram and chanced upon this quote on Steven Bartlett’s Instagram page. It immediately hit me that this was one of the quotes that summed up my year and all the frustrations, dark days and tough times I’d gone through. Even though the quote was mainly targeted at singles who were yearning for a romantic relationship, I felt that this was very applicable to the situation about my friendships too.
The year started badly and it was largely because there were one or two groups of people where everyone seemed to seamlessly connect with each other while I felt like I couldn’t blend in and felt like we weren’t on the same wavelength. Not that it’s anyone’s fault, but we just couldn’t click, and this made me frustrated because I wanted to build new friendships and connections and this has been a goal of mine for a very long time.
As such, the inner critic in me started acting up and saying some phrases that are oh-so familiar to many of us.
“I’m not good enough.
“No one likes me.”
“I must change myself to fit in and be accepted by others.”
“I’ll never meet the right people.”
“Nothing will ever work out.”
“It wouldn't make a difference if I didn't exist.”
Honestly, these self-critical thoughts and frustrations lasted for a large proportion of the first half of the year, save a few upbeat and joyful moments. It was a constantly ongoing battle - to have to deal with the stings of not feeling part of an inner circle, not being invited to small group gatherings and not knowing who my close friends were.
Steve Jobs said, “You can’t connect the dots looking forward, you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in the future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.” This quote honestly couldn’t be more true looking back at the past year.
Early on in the year, I remember texting one of my close friends who has mentored me on numerous occasions about my grievances and frustrations. He responded to me in a very wise and skilful manner. He didn’t shame me for feeling the way I did or imply that I was wrong to feel that way; instead, he praised me for recognising my negative feelings and thought patterns and my ability to distance myself from them and acknowledge that they might not be real. He then assured me that these roadblocks were a natural part of my life and that I would be able to emerge a better and wiser person from the process and that great stories are written from adversity rather than comfort. Moreover, he also commended me for choosing not to believe in a magic solution for all my woes and difficulties and acknowledging it was a process, citing that it may be easier to believe that fame, having a partner or things along those lines will cure all our negative emotions; however, they may actually pose a set of new problems.
Another person I texted around that period of time was one of my former teachers. He once openly shared on Facebook about his experiences of being cast aside, bullied and ostracised during his school days and how it led to him losing his confidence and self-esteem. However, he also shared two important reminders: we are the manager of our emotions and we can choose how we respond to incidents around us, and that not everyone is our friend and that the most significant friends in our lives are those with similar values to us.
I honestly couldn’t immediately resonate with their sharings but, looking back, I realised that what they said was quite true. It was only on a day in December shortly before Christmas that I opened up the old thread of messages, and my face lit up with a sparkle in my eyes.
The quote mentioned at the start of the post was honestly a really good anchor and proved to be a better anchor than any amount of extrinsic rewards. I realised that for many of the things I was upset at not getting, the reason behind my unhappiness wasn’t so much because I truly wanted those things from the bottom of my heart, but more because those things were those that would bring me short-term happiness and look good from what society deems “good” from a social perspective. I felt out of luck and that I would never be successful, but rather than that, I felt that I needed what it took to be successful and would bring me long-term joy and peace rather than short-term comfort and solace.
Even though there were times I saw Facebook posts in communities of people sharing about their struggles making friends, some of the posts left me with a hole in my heart because I couldn't be content with nothing and I couldn’t help but roll my eyes at hearing how being myself would attract the right people. On the worst of days, I felt the urge to “fake it till I made it” and that there was something wrong with me. Even though my birthday was one of the better days of the year, there were times a few months before it when I had thoughts of wanting to sleep through it because I was scared I’d be set up for disappointment from a lack of birthday wishes, making me feel like isolating myself from the world.
In came a largely relatable phrase from a book that I’d read: that instead of a self-improvement book, more self-acceptance books were needed. The most important thing I learnt is that there was nothing wrong with me and for a large portion of time, I hadn’t necessarily met the right people. Thankfully, I did meet some people towards the end of the year and they really made me think to myself, “Hey, this is actually what I want in a friendship and what has been missing for a long time!” In fact, this was what I truly wanted and I truly felt that I could finally gravitate towards the things I wanted and the people who truly mattered. In other words, I finally managed to take the first steps towards letting go of the people and things that weren’t meant for me. Not that I want to be hostile or act like my methods, principles or beliefs are superior to theirs, but learning to accept that these things aren’t meant for me is the first step. After that, we can just live and let live. It honestly felt like I was looking into a broken mirror and trying to fix myself without realising that I wasn't the problem.
Even though the truth may hurt or sting, in the long-term, knowing your true friends and what is truly meant for you is one of the greatest gifts and this journey of self-discovery with a lot of bumps and dead-ends has finally been worth it. I was in a very dark place for a long time, but connecting the dots backwards and looking at my journey and finally taking the first steps to building the authentic connections I’d been genuinely searching for was one of the most satisfying feelings I’d ever experienced. Maybe the reason why life didn’t give me what I wanted wasn’t so much because I was set up for bad luck, but because I deserved better.
The other immensely satisfying feeling was being able to share my success and personal growth with the people who truly deserved it. Even though there weren’t a lot of people, quality is what matters and these people clearly showed me that they still had my back even when I was at my worst. As the saying goes, a person who can’t be there for you at your worst doesn’t deserve to see you at your best. However, on a more positive note, I’d like to rephrase it to say that the people who were there for me at my worst will be the first people I’d share my success with when I’m at my best. Thankfully, some people who could be there for me were naturally the first people I’d share my reflections and success with and many of them said they enjoyed journeying with me, including the two people I messaged when I felt really broken and lost at the start of the year.
Here’s to a better 2021 and a year of more growth, introspection and discovery.
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