Have you ever felt like you’re on a bicycle, pedalling at top speed but unable to catch up with that Formula-1 car that is miles ahead of you?
If you do, I feel you. It definitely isn’t easy to be in such a situation, and when faced there, it is only human to feel hopeless, stuck and frustrated. However, it isn’t a completely lost cause because there are ways to make your situation better, both internally and externally.
On one occasion, I wrote a list of words that reflected the negative things I thought about myself.
A misfit
I struggled a lot to fit in with others at several points in my life. In some of my earlier school days, I felt like I had to put on a front in front of some people and that I couldn’t be myself. The thing that hurt me the most was seeing almost everyone else being able to fit into the group so seamlessly while I felt I was left out and left behind. I wondered why it had to be me and why I had to be like that.
A doormat/pushover
Even though bullying says more about the aggressor than the victims, there are times I can’t help but wonder, “Why me?” I also felt that I had some fundamental flaws that caused them to choose me as a target out of all people.
A loner
I tied my worth to what people thought about my social life - how many friends I had and how good a life I had. I also felt like it looked bad on me when I went out alone after being ridiculed for being alone at times in school. There were times when I felt like the loneliest person in the world and feared that there would be a day that I’d end up not having any friends.
Ignorable
The prime reasons for this were ghosting or people just plain downright ignoring my text messages. I would be happy if they told me that they weren’t ready, because while it would sting, at least they were being honest and transparent with me. When my emotional state was not in a good place, I would get very anxious when people didn’t reply to my messages.
However, there were four words that stood out to me about my feelings: boring, invisible, insignificant and overlooked. These were both in interpersonal relationships and on social media.
Interpersonal Relationships
I faced a number of circumstances when I compared my social “status” to that of others and felt extremely bad. There were many things that hurt and upset me, such as others raving about something charming about other people that I didn’t have, which would make these self-critical thoughts come flying back in an instant. I felt like no matter how hard I tried to be more popular or have a higher social “status”, it was never enough. On my darkest days, I felt that there was only one way to get those things others seemed to get so seamlessly - by sucking up to others.
Another thing that hurt me deeply was when others seemed to be able to blend into a group, clique or community so seamlessly while I felt I was left out and found it so hard. I would end up wondering why it was so hard for me and worrying if there was something inherently wrong with me. I believe this was a double whammy because I was reminded of the rejection and alienation I experienced in the past, and this only brought back more self-critical thoughts.
Social Media
Social media played a huge role in fuelling my feelings of envy and bitterness. There is this aspect of endless one-upping each other.
Initially, as a result of the hardships I faced, I felt the need to one-up others and look like a very popular person who had a lot of friends and a lot of followers. I would also get very upset when someone else got all the attention and would wonder why I wouldn’t get that. It’s all about the followers, likes and comments.
Other people’s birthdays were also a huge source of pain for me. I’d wonder why others were wishing others happy birthday so publicly, and sometimes I’d feel bitter when the same person wouldn’t do the same for me. It made me so worried about myself having to face these feelings on my most recent birthday that I had a few passing thoughts of wanting to sleep through it. Thankfully, I didn’t because it turned out to be a good one.
However, that wasn’t the end of my dismay. There were still moments along the way when I felt miserable about those things. I would envy others and question if those within the same community did something nice for others, would do the same for me. I had this thought process that if a person put in more effort for someone else than for me, it meant that I was less significant than the other person.
What Worked and Didn’t Work for Me
When we face a problem, we will naturally feel sad and want to be out of this situation. That is a very natural and valid human response. However, we sometimes need to take a step back and see if what we’re doing is truly helpful or merely a band-aid solution. In most situations that fall under the latter, they will hurt one even more in the long-run.
Here are some of the things that helped and didn’t. I believe I’ve shared some of the hard questions I asked myself in my previous posts, but I will share what I felt was helpful and what wasn’t.
Unhelpful: Fake it till you make it
I personally think this is not good advice. I didn’t believe in giving myself affirmations that weren’t backed up by evidence. Trying to look like I was more popular only made me more miserable, and shifted myself further away from my authentic self.
The most prominent instance was using Snapchat in my JC days. The streaks that weren’t up to my hopes and expectations only served to make me miserable, and there were times I felt like not having long streaks was a symbol of shame. I felt that looking good on the outside would help but it only ended up making things worse because I felt there were two things I was at risk of losing. The first thing was losing people who truly mattered because social media was distracting me from real life, and the second is losing myself. Thankfully, after my examinations, I saw no need to get back to using Snapchat, and it became a thing of the past for me.
With regards to interpersonal relationships, I realised that deviating from my authentic self is going to hurt me more in the long run. There were many occasions I wished that life could’ve turned out differently for me so I could blend in with others well. I wondered why I seemed to feel distant from others, and there were thoughts of me just having to be more loud, more funny, more superficial, more trendy and more outspoken.
At the end of the day, while there are things to work on, acceptance is a key first step. I eventually realised that while it may be tempting to get those things, maybe no to those things meant yes to something better. And that “something better” turned out to be a few dear, close friends whom I have meaningful conversations with. Even though I felt that good things weren’t coming, I had to be patient. This made me realise that I can have all the friendships on a deeper level, and I can do so in a very natural way.
Unhelpful: Self-pity and victim mentality
There were many dark days when I felt like a victim of life’s circumstances. I thought that good things would never come to me and I wondered why everyone else seemed to have it easy and get the things I wanted so effortlessly. I felt like I was meant to be worse off than others and this was just the way things were meant to be.
However, the important thing is to do something about it. Wallowing in self-pity is a constant cycle of negativity and nothing will get done. Self-pity makes one feel he is inferior to others and this will hurt his self-esteem. Moreover, if I had believed I was a victim of life’s circumstances, I would feel like I didn’t need to do anything about it, and would expect someone to help me out of this without myself having to do anything.
This isn’t to say that feeling upset about life is wrong or an invalid reaction. It is normal but after some time, we need to see what needs to be done to improve the situation. Stephen Covey’s 90/10 principle states that 10 percent of life is what happens to us while 90 percent is what we make of it. Hence, while we may not be able to control external circumstances, we can always focus on the things within our control to get a better outcome. There are so many things within our control and two different people with the same situation can have drastically different outcomes.
Take the story of the tortoise and the hare. Even though the tortoise was ridiculed by the hare for being slow, it still beat the hare because the hare became complacent and took a nap halfway through the race. Hence, while we may not have the best of circumstances in our favour, we can still try our best to make the best of our situation and focus on what is within our control.
The circumstances are not necessarily our fault, but we cannot expect others to do everything for us.
Helpful: Social media tweaks
This is something I found quite interesting. Social media is a double-edged sword; it can be bad for our mental health with all the one-upping and toxic positivity, but it can also be a positive tool with wholesome and uplifting content.
The technique I used isn’t to cut off social media, but to customise my news feed and content so that it isn’t that draining and all about perfection. I followed a lot of pages with mental health content that uplifts me and shares wholesome reminders and quotes. Some of my personal favourite quotes are shown below.
I also reduced my exposure to people, posts or content that is bad for my mental health. All the one-upping, perfection sugarcoated promises only serve to convince us that a perfect life is achievable when it doesn’t exist in reality. I could unfollow those accounts that were doing nothing but draining me and full of negative vibes. However, I didn’t want to sever ties with people, so in some cases, I muted the accounts instead of unfollowing them.
As such, social media is what we make of it. It is a personal choice, but it is important that we exercise discernment. When we see something that makes us feel drained, unworthy or jealous, we can take note of that and see what we need to do next. If we feel we are spending too much time on social media, maybe it’s time to take a break. If we constantly feel put off by accounts that are trying hard to paint a rose-tinted picture of life, maybe it’s time to unfollow or mute that account.
Another interesting insight I gained from social media is that when I post the positive things that happen in my life, it could indirectly make others experience those emotions of envy, unworthiness and loneliness. Of course it isn’t my intention for them to feel that way and I’m not responsible for my feelings, but this was one thing that helped me get out of the self-pity trap. I realised that there were positive things in my life and this made me feel less unworthy. That being said, learning to validate yourself and be less reliant on other people’s approval is still essential.
Helpful: Meaningful conversations with the right people
The people whom I consider my closest friends are those whom I can chat about meaningful stuff and show my authentic self to. Speaking about overcoming our struggles or our personal beliefs and values is one of my favourite conversation topics. These conversations mean the world to me because we can connect emotionally and spiritually, and I feel like I can truly be my authentic self. I personally believe common values or visions are a much stronger glue that holds people together than common interests, and while there is nothing wrong with the latter, it may not necessarily keep people together.
There were lonely days and nights when I felt that I didn’t have any close friends or meaningful connections. I felt like there was something missing in my life. It turned out that this loneliness was telling me that I needed to have some good conversations with friends and create authentic connections in a natural way.
As I have been writing this blog post, there have been a few friends I’ve had these conversations with and after meeting them, I feel so uplifted and grateful. I felt very down and out because of all the struggles I’d faced, but life has taken quite a drastic turnaround for the better, and being surrounded by the right people has made me feel extremely blessed and adequate. When we share about our life experiences, empathise with the other and show that we feel them, that is such a powerful connection. Even if we are just sharing an uplifting quote or song, I feel like the other person can understand where I am coming from.
Conclusion: Don’t settle for less than you deserve.
Refusing to settle for less in my friendships is one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. While there were many twists and turns, one key ingredient that was needed was patience. It would obviously be more convenient to settle for friendships that were very shallow, people I felt lonely around and an unhealthy romantic relationship.
I guess this is life’s way of showing me that I deserve better, and that settling for less is something I’ll regret in future. Some of my close friends and mentors shared some insights with me, and now is a time when I can truly connect the dots backwards. One of them said that I could have the friendships I wished for in a very authentic and natural way, and I feel that now. Another one said that we need to be selective with our friends, and connection on a deeper level or similar values is more powerful than anything else, and I resonate with that so much because that is the essence of the friendships with my closest friends. A third piece of wise advice is that there is no magic cure to our problems, but choosing to accept this truth rather than being misled by false promises that bring nothing but instant gratification will pay off. Many people jump on the bandwagon to end up being misled by these promises that are a temporary welcome relief but will only lead them further down the wrong path.
At the end of the day, wisdom triumphs. I realised that some of the limiting beliefs that I had weren’t true. Take the example of people putting in less effort for my birthday than other people’s: maybe I matter less to the person, but it doesn’t make me less of a person as a whole. There are people who appreciate me just the way I am and would gladly believe the lyrics from Bruno Mars’s Just The Way You Are from their hearts. Moreover, being a better person in real life is more important than looking good on social media just for the cameras.
One caveat, however, is that time isn’t the only ingredient needed to make things happen. Many people will say that time heals all wounds, but if we don’t work on healing our scars, time won’t heal anything. Likewise, while we need to be patient with ourselves and let nature take its course, we also need to take the necessary steps in the right direction.
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Wowww, thanks for sharing! It’s great how you manage to articulate all your thoughts, feelings and findings!! I think many can relate to your experiences.
Totally agree with the social media part. We can really feel uplifted and empowered by certain things there and it’s up to us if we want to cut out the noise.
Really like how you’ve managed to grow and understand yourself better through the struggles you encountered. I personally like the saying - the past doesn’t define us, unless we allow it to. As humans, we’re bound to make mistakes and encounter setbacks, but as long as we have a hold of our reality, we can move on and continue living our best life. And…