“Why does so and so seem to do this so seamlessly?”
“Why is it so hard for me? Are the odds just not in my favour?”
“Why always me?”
“I wish I was anything but myself.”
These are some of our common responses when our circumstances aren’t exactly in our favour. The state of feeling sorry for ourselves is one that is all too familiar.
My Experience
There were a lot of factors that came into play that resulted in me feeling that I wasn’t good enough. I touched a fair bit on them in my previous posts, and striving towards taming my inner critic has been a journey I’ve always set on.
I wondered why I grew up being so well-behaved and well-mannered. I wondered why I couldn’t be like the cool kids who seemed to fit in (yes, I echo the lyrics of Echosmith’s song). I wondered why I didn’t have as many followers as others. I wondered why others seemed to have some innate qualities that I yearned so hard for. I wondered why I always felt overshadowed by someone else. I wondered why everyone else had such that strong group of friends from the best times of their life, which was one of the worst for me and how they’d invite each other to their key events, while I felt I had no one.
This wondering turned into wishing.
I wished I could be more “normal”. I wished I could fit the norms more and be more popular. I wish I had so many likes and followers on social media. I wished I could be a better leader. I wished I could be an extrovert. I wished I had a different past or that things could’ve turned out differently. I wished I could be more handsome. I wished I could just fake it till I made it, which I felt would be a huge antidote. I wished for the same birthday parties that other people had. I wished I wouldn’t be the one to be overshadowed. I wished for a strong group of friends.
When I say “wondered” and “wished”, this does not imply that these thoughts have completely vanished and will never come back. This just implies that I am reflecting on a time when the thoughts were stronger than they are now.
Were these things I really wanted?
This might seem like an absurd question to ask, but I felt it was nonetheless an important question to ask to compare the short-term and long-term effects.
I wished I could be popular, but could that have long-term repercussions on me? Also, were there more important questions to ask myself instead of asking how popular I was?
Popularity Doesn’t Necessarily Make One Happy
Popularity is easy to see, because it’s only on the surface. That’s why it isn’t the thing that really matters at the end of the journey. There are more important things to ask myself. Am I happy? Am I taking care of myself and my basic needs? Am I making my mental health a priority? Do I feel valued around the people I surround myself with, or am I just spending time with them to avoid solitude? Am I settling for less than I deserve?
Even if one is popular, he or she can still say no to these questions (or yes for the last one). In fact, too much of anything isn’t a good thing, even if it’s something seemingly wholesome or desirable. Popularity may feed our ego even more and doesn’t equip us with the necessary emotional intelligence and resilience to deal with adversities or rejection. In life, there is no running away from these setbacks because we can’t have highs if we don’t have lows. While there is nothing wrong with being popular, I would argue that it is extremely overrated.
I would say that the bitter experiences have taught me a lot about myself and equipped me with the resilience to deal with rejections and setbacks. They still sting, but I learnt to be less reliant on external validation and learn to be okay with being different. Now, I am a lot less afraid to talk about my different interests from the rest, such as my love for 80s and 90s music. I personally find modern contemporary music too superficial. If I listened to modern pop music just to feel like I blended with the crowd, I’d still be miserable because I didn’t even like the music.
Do you feel valued, or do you feel lonely?
I believe that the loneliness of being in the wrong company is worse than the loneliness of being alone.
I learnt that if I can’t fit in with a group of friends, it’s not my fault and if they’re not my people, it’s not worth forcing things to work. It wouldn’t be realistic to be popular if the people I’m around aren’t good for me. I met many groups of people and individuals who weren’t good for my development. Not good for my self-esteem. Not good for my growth. Not good for my mental health. Not good for my spiritual cultivation.
Last year was a year that I felt that very strongly. I met a group of friends who didn’t do anything terribly wrong to me, but they frequently engaged in childish and superficial acts and liked to bully or look down on other people. Yet they seemed like the “cool” kids who fit in perfectly.
However, they weren’t cool to me, and I didn’t hesitate to distance myself from them. I felt so inadequate because everyone else was fitting in seamlessly, and I felt like I was getting left out again. As ironic as it sounds, feeling left out would be more beneficial for me in the long-run. We all need friends, but having a million friends isn’t a miracle; rather, having that few friends to stand by us when we’re at our worst is a bigger blessing. I finally understood the meaning of quality over quantity, and it became a core principle when considering my friendships.
I eventually got to connect with a few people with similar values to me. I remember after all the darkness I faced last year, I found a few true friends and decided to focus on them and stop wasting my time and energy on that group. That isn’t to say that we should have only one or two friends, but that it isn’t worth having more friends if you don’t feel loved, appreciated and valued there. Walking away is the best thing to do if they drag you down, if they make you feel invisible, if they are not there for you, if they don’t support your achievements, if they don’t rejoice in your achievements or if they gaslight you into questioning your own sanity.
I’ve had a few people who told me to never change who I am and that I am good enough as I am, and that was the biggest blessing ever. I may not be that popular, but I am true to myself and that in itself will attract the right people.
The Aspect of Comparison
Theodore Roosevelt’s quote “Comparison is the thief of joy” is true in most instances of comparison. However, it isn’t entirely true because of two reasons - the criteria we use to compare ourselves to others and the purpose behind comparing are usually destructive ones.
What criteria are we comparing?
Another quote stands out for me - “Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing it is stupid.” by Albert Einstein stands out for me.
This goes back to the areas that we may “have it easy”, or have a headstart in. A fish may think that a squirrel may have it easy when it comes to climbing a tree, but the squirrel may feel that the fish has it easy when it comes to swimming or breathing under water. If you judge the squirrel by its ability to breathe under water, it will end up feeling stupid as well.
The basis for my comparison were things I didn’t have a very strong comparative advantage in or natural flair for, but we all have a comparative advantage in other areas. There are other areas that I am strong in, even though it may not be the most prominent and visible ones, but they do shine very brightly. Some of the attributes I really like about myself are my ability to show others empathy, how I don’t look down on others, my perseverance to continue even when times are hard and my ability to withstand peer pressure.
Even seemingly trivial things can be the cause of unhappiness such as body shape, height and others. Maybe someone ridiculed these people for it, but it is worth noting that others may be unhappy about an area they may be behind in, even if they seem ahead of you in one area.
We also need to know if the comparison is a fair one because we are all walking different paths. Take the example of a 20-year-old with non-verbal autism speaking his first words. That would be a great achievement, even though a neurotypical kid may be able to do it at the age of one. To the 20-year-old, he may feel that other neurotypical people have it easy, but it makes his struggle worthwhile. Hence, I believe that the “if I can do it, so can you” mentality isn’t fair because we all have a different set of circumstances.
The most important thing I learnt was that even others have it easy in one aspect, if I play the cards to the best of my ability, it’ll make my story more meaningful and worthwhile. I recall my friend telling me in one of my worst moments that the most beautiful stories are built from struggles and not comfort, and reminded me about Liverpool fighting back from 3-0 down at half time in the 2005 Champions League Final to eventually win the game in a penalty shootout, a story that lives in the me.
I believe that I have improved and gained a lot more self-awareness from the bitter experiences of feeling like a misfit because I am less reliant on external praise, I am not afraid to be different and I have a lot more clarity about what I want and don’t want in a friend. I did manage to make a few friends as a result, but the inner growth is still the biggest reward in my eyes. However, if things are in our favour, it is important to not get complacent or use that as a reason to look down on other people.
Comparing Yourself to Your Former Self, and Remind Yourself of Your Strengths
Comparison isn’t always unhealthy, but it can remind us of how we have grown.
Last month, I was having a volunteer debrief where we were tasked to simulate certain situations that we may face when we are mentoring. I faced a lot of self-doubt and second guessed myself a lot when I started volunteering and wondered if I was using the right techniques. However, I was given a scenario where I had to pretend to tutor a child with very low self-esteem. Up stepped one of the qualities that I had a flair for - empathy. Many of the other volunteers commended me for my patience and ability to acknowledge and affirm the child in the scenario. I still second-guess myself today, but it is a lot less and I know I do have my strengths and just being there for the kids is what matters.
Another recent scenario that came was when I was given praise for a workshop on mental health I was facilitating, and many of the participants commended my facilitation skills. I recalled how four years ago, one of my teachers felt I didn’t even have what it took to be an orientation group leader, which made me believe that I was too introverted and not good enough to be a leader. However, with all these recognition, but most importantly knowing in my heart that I had done well, I was really pleased that I had proven my inner demons wrong and that I could see the strengths in myself.
A few years ago, I didn’t think I could do the things I’m doing now. I didn’t think I could drive. I didn’t think I could score excellent grades in my examinations. I didn’t think I could be a good facilitator. I didn’t think I could write a blog. I didn’t think I’d have this much self-awareness. But I did all these things, and this is reason to be proud of myself.
Comparing to Learn and Cultivate Positive Qualities
Instead of putting ourselves down, we can see the qualities in others to improve ourselves and learn how we can do better. Even though some sessions I attended were meant for learning from each other, I ended up finding myself putting myself down and feeling inadequate at the end. Self-criticism could ironically be rooted in our ego and our desire for perfection. However, when I learnt about my strengths and gained affirmations from others, I decided to look at stories for inspiration. I will touch on a few football players.
Many a time, football players are envied because of the money and fame they get and, with more young players emerging in the biggest European leagues, many people their age wonder what life would be if they could be like the football players.
It’s normal to envy footballers, but what stands out for me are the humble ones and ones who give back to society. Manchester United striker Marcus Rashford is a prime example with his charity work to provide free meal vouchers for school children during the COVID-19 pandemic and launching a book club to allow disadvantaged children to have access to books and cultivate the habit of reading.
Another player, one of my favourites, is Sadio Mane of Liverpool. Growing up in a poor village in Senegal, he hasn’t forgotten his roots even after rising to the top. He donated a sum of money for a school to be built in his village and took time to see the progress of the building during the summer break instead of going on a holiday. He also said that having more Ferraris and planes won’t do much good for the world, but he wants to donate his money to his village and roots. He donates 70 Euros every month to each person in a poverty-stricken region of Senegal. Having grown up without much money, he wants to alleviate the struggles of those struggling with poverty, and that is truly admirable.
Moreover, being a football player isn’t always easy. They have the pressure to live up to fans’ expectations, train rigorously every week, travel to away games and deal with online abuse from haters when they perform badly, which is sadly becoming more and more prominent, and can even come in the form of extremely alarming racial abuse or death threats.. Even if the grass seems greener on the other side, it will still come with a new set of challenges, so maybe it isn't greener on the other side after all.
Conclusion
When we feel that others have it easy, we need to be very objective and see if the thing they have is something we really want. Sometimes, we just want things that look good on the surface. That is a very normal human response, but we need to think more holistically and assess the long-term effects of that, because going down the wrong path will lead us to an even darker place.
Comparing can help, but if we do it for the right reasons, namely to learn from others and to empower oneself to go further by looking back at one’s growth. The lessons the footballers taught me are very valuable, that it is important not to get carried away by one’s wealth or status, but to remember the aspect of community and give back to society.
Last but not least, my definition of a cool person isn’t someone who is very popular, charming or trendy, but rather someone who works on themselves, doesn’t project their insecurities on other people, sticks by their principles and gives back to society.
Sources:
Photo sources:
https://motionarray.com/stock-photos/putting-on-happy-mask-391488/
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