The news about stricter COVID-19 measures kicking in two weeks ago, which was almost equivalent to a second circuit breaker, was one that not just met with dismay, but also worry.
I was dismayed because I couldn’t dine out with my friends for at least a month, especially after how life felt like it had returned to normal for almost a year. The small group restrictions didn’t bother me much because I thrive in smaller groups and most of my meetups with friends are one-to-one.
The worry was not so much to do with contracting the virus, but rather about the fears of isolation and how I’d get FOMO.
Last year, I found myself in a very dark place emotionally. Back in circuit breaker, I experienced a lot of FOMO from all the things I saw on social media, such as people having virtual meetups with their cliques of friends or sending food deliveries to each other’s houses. I felt bitter because I was worried I’d end up missing out on all the friendships others were trying to maintain. I felt that at times, whenever I entered a new phase of life, it would just be that people faded out and at times, I was worried of ending up all alone. I just felt that my life wasn’t “normal” like what other people experienced. I wondered why other people seemingly had it easy and would get all these experiences I felt so deprived of.
However, one key I learnt to not letting these experiences do more harm than good is to change my mental diet. By that, I mean to change the content I consume, my thought processes and to fall back on something in my darkest moments. These are some of the key things I learnt.
Know what is within and what is beyond your control
I recently attended a webinar on the importance of failure and one of the panelists said that tying our self-worth to something beyond our control is very dangerous. It isn’t always easy to accept the cards we’ve been dealt, but we can always do something to improve the situation.
Take the simple example of having someone you want to be friends with but that person deliberately ignores you. The stings are there, and it is perfectly okay to moan about it, cry about it and feel unhappy. However, the key difference comes in when we decide to break the cycle of rumination and find other friends.
I learnt that I’m not responsible for what other people do or say, and that I can’t force them to do something or change them. The only thing I can change is which people I channel more time and energy to, and I believe that is very important because the loneliness of being in the wrong company is worse than the loneliness of being in solitude.
Another thing I used to bemoan was about not getting enough birthday wishes. It happened because several years ago, after making a significant life transition, I felt like an alien in a new environment and that no one would ever recognise or appreciate me, even though things have changed significantly for the better now. Of course, there will be those people who wish me and those who may forget to do so, be it deliberate or unintentional. However, the joy of giving would definitely outshine the joy of receiving, so I believe that one way to gain lasting joy is to give in a way that I can, such as championing a social cause or giving notes of appreciation to my loved ones.
Maybe during this mini circuit breaker, I can schedule regular virtual meetings with friends or see what I can do to have some element of social interaction.
Don’t just choose your people; choose your content
I like to believe that physical and mental health are two very similar concepts. What you eat, affects your physical health. What you read, affects your mental health.
It all goes down to the way we read content. Social media can be notorious for having a very adverse effect on one’s mental health because it’s about showing the rosy side of our lives and one-upping each other.
In stark contrast, I noticed I was very energised after watching an inspirational video a few days ago - the story of how a mother lost her son to suicide but eventually became an advocate for suicide prevention. The stories that give me the most energy and meaning are those about people who overcome their struggles. Social media isn’t all bad, but it’s about how we use it and minimise those distractions that drain us, while spending more time and energy on those that enhance us. Even if you don’t want to unfollow an account, you can mute the account or customise your feed to not have their content.
As I was scrolling through the Premier League app, I chanced upon news that the football teams there were encouraging their fans and the community to take care of their mental health in conjunction with Mental Health Awareness Week. Some of the players stated that going outdoors and exercising were key to one’s emotional well-being, especially since the COVID-19 pandemic last year caused football matches to be suspended for about three months.
Exercise is a great way to keep fit and take one’s mind off troubles, but there are other ways as well. Some of these could be learning a new skill or pursuing one’s hobbies.
Remember that it’s ok to do things differently from others
I love listening to music from the 80s and 90s. I find it much more meaningful than modern music. However, there is always a fear of being judged when I share about my music type to others. Thankfully, it’s not as bad as what it seems.
Some of my friends, or shall I say acquaintances, seemed to buy their friends bubble tea and food deliveries during circuit breaker, and seeing these on social media was a huge trigger for FOMO. All these made me feel extremely isolated.
There is no one size fits all way to do things. We all have different ways of doing things. Even if we do things in solitude, there is no shame in that. Some people may not want to do food deliveries as they are worried about the contact the delivery men have with many other customers.
At the end of the day, everyone has different needs and they have different ways of doing things, and even the most unconventional ones might end up bringing the most value.
Reflections on my journey
As I’m occupied with an internship on most weekdays at the moment, I have little time to think about those things. However, occupying my mind is pivotal to keeping the mind active and keeping the thoughts at bay. That isn’t to say deny the thoughts, but when the mind isn’t very well-occupied, the self-critical thoughts have a much higher chance of resurfacing, making me really unhappy and ruining my day. Finding something to do would help tremendously.
I am glad that reframing self-critical thoughts comes more naturally to me now compared to before. I realised thinking back on those things that made me grateful have been important. There’s nothing wrong with receiving external validation such as receiving gifts or praises, but there aren’t any highs without lows. So learning to overcome those inner demons of mine and slowly working towards becoming a better version of myself has been the most rewarding journey I’ve walked. The best things that I’ve learnt to be grateful for are the challenges I’ve overcome and how I refused to give up when things were hard, kept searching for and trying new opportunities regardless of the outcomes and my ability to withstand peer pressure.
Withstanding peer pressure is something I feel really thankful about because I learnt that it’s not worth it fitting in to a group of people if they make you change your beliefs and principles. If they don’t respect your beliefs, they’re not your people. It’s as simple as that. More importantly, not changing to fit in made me true to myself and hence, I didn’t lose the people who are really important to me.
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