Have you ever felt that everyone else was so much better off than you? It can be in any aspect of life - social, where everyone seems to have a much better social life than you when you're just a lonely person; academic - where your siblings outperform you and your parents berate you, saying "why can't you be like your brother or sister?"; relationships, when you've just had a tumultuous time with a partner you broke up with, and others are holding hands and going on countless dates with their partners; or at work, when you feel that you're so unproductive while all your coworkers are miles ahead of you in terms of productivity, efficiency and work performance.
There have been countless moments in my life when I felt like I was one of the worst-off in the world. Seeing others win an award or accomplish something would make me feel bad and envious. When I heard other people tell me “your time will come” in response to that, I was still not convinced. On top of that, opening social media and seeing all my friends hanging out and chilling on a Saturday night while I was just spending time by myself at home would make me question how good my social life is.
As an introvert, I have put pressure on myself to appear like an extrovert and noticeable guy. Some bad experiences in school where I faced rejection after rejection intensified that pressure, and made me believe that my self-worth is measured by how noticeable, popular, charming and likeable I am. The formation of smaller cliques in communities that I was in was something that I felt was absolutely unbearable, because it made me feel like I didn’t fit in anywhere and hence made me feel even worse about my social life. Even seemingly small things like someone not replying a message or not responding simply because they were distracted and unintentionally didn’t hear me can make me overwhelmed with insecurity.
Even though there were times in my school days that even when I had good friends, I never felt satisfied about my social life because others seemed to have so many other closer friends and I felt I was never in the inner circles or others’ “first choice”. I sometimes had (and still have) thoughts of doing a one hundred and eighty degree change of who I was. I wanted to be an extrovert because I felt that I would make me the person I wanted to be. I’d be Mr Popular. I’d be Mr Charming. I’d be Mr Funny. I’d be Mr Handsome. I’d be Mr The-Guy-That-Everyone-Likes. Well, maybe not all these things are fully associated with being an extrovert, but these are things that I have really wanted to be and measured my self-worth by.
My experience is just one of the few reflecting the struggles people face comparing lives and situations. It is very easy for us to feel insecure because of all the good that we see happens in others’ lives.
However, the truth is that we are only seeing half the picture. What we see goes on in others’ lives is the best, while we are naturally inclined to view the worst in our own. Social media is a huge culprit in this, because people only like to show the good aspects of their lives, and some of the content may not even be real. In fact, regardless of whether the content on social media is real or not, some of the sugar-coated content on our accounts are posted with the intent of trying to convince others, or themselves too for that matter, that they are leading a blissful and problem-free life. This can be more pertinent if the person is feeling insecure, because posting such things gives them a false sense of security, and all the likes and responses will make that person feel a sense of self-worth. Sometimes, we see a very nice living room, but we don't see all the dust and clutter that's locked and hidden away in the store room.
Steven Furtick’s quote “The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with others’ highlight reel” is a succinct and accurate summary of the abovementioned.
Let’s now be realistic and see how people’s lives are truly like.
No one’s life is perfect. It’s easy for us to assume that the grass is always greener on the other side (maybe you thought that this was a four-word article, but that’s a very common misconception). Even people who are living their best lives will still face problems. Every situation we face will bring about problems, even if two situations are the direct opposite of each other. Take the example of having a car to commute. Many of us wish we could have a car so we wouldn’t have to endure longer and possibly more crowded commutes on public transport, but what we don’t realise is that having a car is so much more than just a convenient and fast journey; it also means having to put up with high fees for parking and petrol, as well as traffic jams. Likewise, being single may mean that one may feel lonely, but being in a relationship will result in a constant pressure to make time for our partner, and live up to his or her expectations.
Relating back to my personal experience, while I still wish that I could be a social butterfly and charming guy, I have to acknowledge that there will also be problems if that was the case. Sometimes, being at the centre of attention isn't necessarily a good thing because just how long does it last, and how much effort do we need to put in to making others like us?
We may even lose our sense of identity and purpose in the process, and not having any time to connect with ourselves isn't necessarily a good thing. And honestly, what is the point of trying to please people who don't accept us as we are because they like us for a different version of ourselves and not the version of ourselves that we are meant to be? We really need to focus on those people who don't expect us to be someone that we're not and distance ourselves from those who don't accept us for who we are. If I had tried to be an extrovert, I probably would have been really tired from trying to be the spark of the group and felt even worse because after some time, I’d run out of energy and have too much trouble preventing an already rapidly disintegrating mask from peeling off.
One of the ways I tried to reassure myself is by reminding myself that not everyone is popular and the most well-liked. While that is not wrong, it's also important to remember that everyone is different and no two people are alike. In my previous article about fitting in, I mentioned that the "puzzle piece" mentality is flawed because all of us are different and even though many of us are guilty of wanting to be the missing piece of a puzzle, it is important to remember that we are all walking different paths, hence being a "misfit" isn't something to be ashamed of because we aren't even meant to fit! My friend also told me that there are misfits who fit us, and it’s all about finding the right people who are on the same wavelength as us. I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels like a misfit, and I take heart in those friends whom I can relate to and who understand where I’m coming from.
Albert Einstein’s quote, “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid” couldn’t be a more fitting reflection. Sometimes, we measure our self-worth based on what we see goes on in others’ lives, and hence expect that to be our ideal self and strive to be a carbon copy of them, without realising that our ever so precious individuality and sense of identity will be lost in the process. We are all beautiful, great and unique in our own way, just that more often than not, we don’t realise it and feel inferior because we aren’t as good as others at what they’re great at.
Even though swimming against the current or not being liked by some people may feel really unpleasant, we must remember that it is a good thing because we stand for our own beliefs and that there is no point trying to please people who want us to be great in a certain way, which defeats the purpose of us being different individuals. This was something I was reminded by some of my good friends at my lowest points, and I believe that it’s so much better to remain loyal to my values. There is no “right” or “wrong” way of doing things; it’s just different approaches and we just need to do what is best for ourselves.
Likewise, the challenges we face and those that others face are different too. As such, it isn’t fair to invalidate their challenges or give the impression that they are wrong to feel as such. Back when I was in secondary school, on an overseas service learning trip to Cambodia, one of my teachers said, “The kids there are poor and yet they’re so enthusiastic about coming to school, and yet you guys drag your feet to school every day.” While his point was fair, the living conditions are different and the conditions in school are different too - to be precise, the Cambodian children probably had more play time in school and less stressed than us here in Singapore, so they naturally went to school with a lighter heart. I believe that everything happens for a reason, and it is important to understand where people are coming from. As such, it isn’t fair to compare one person’s set of challenges to another’s because everyone’s living conditions are different and each one will pose a different set of challenges.
To sum up, we shouldn’t assume that the grass is always greener on the other side. If we want to make our own grass greener, or lives happier for that matter, we need to worry less about what goes on in others’ lives and start to focus on bringing out the brilliance in us.
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